My arch enemy - and why it should be yours too
When I became a homeowner, I picked up a whole new group of enemies (larder beetles, kids who ride bikes in my lawn, dogs who use my lawn as a bathroom, etc). At the top of my list is a creature that you may not have even heard of: the vole.
No, not a mole. Vole. "But it's so cute, it reminds me of the hamster I had when I was a kid!" Well, it's not cute. It's evil. It's a mass-reproducing, lawn eating creature created by the devil to take over the earth.
As you may have gathered, I hate the vole because it wears down tracks in my lawn and eats my greenery. I do understand, however, that readers of this blog might not care about my lawn. As a result, I have compiled the following list:
Why you should hate voles as much as I do
- The vole stole your wallet - And there was money in it. The vole will use that $15 to make a nest. You could have had 14 items from the Wendy's $.99 menu (depending on tax in your area).
- The vole took your job - Combined with the last one, the vole took money out of your pocket both literally and figuratively. To rub it in, he kept the picture of your family on the desk.
- The vole slept with your wife/girlfriend - And if you look closely, you'll see he's about to smoke a cigarette in your bed. (Don't be mad at her though, the vole drugged her. Don't think he's capable of that? See below.)
- The vole tried to sell drugs to your little sister - Perhaps the most heinous offense of all. If you were on the fence about the vole up to this point, your blood should be boiling by now. She was just playing on the beach, for god's sake. It couldn't be more innocent. Until...
10 Comments:
are voles as damaging as chipmunks? because they're cute, but damn destructive.
i swear the chipmunks scurrying around in my parents' gutters actually smirk at me as if to say 'i'm going to burrow a hole into your mommy's basement and spawn among your childhood playthings, and there's NOTHING you can do about it!'
maybe you need to ge an owl? when we were in junior high, a lot of the vomited-up owl stuff we examined had vole parts in it.
dude, i totally bought the best pot ever from that vole once. don't knock him!
That blasted vole! I didn't even know I HAD a girlfriend or a little sister until I caught him committing his evil deeds...beast! And he never gave that photo of my family back, either, and now I'm stuck at my job while he works as the high-level fashionista I used to be....
This is why I keep cats, I resent not one dead rodent found beheaded on my front step.
I saw a stat somewhere that sixty-something percent of bloggers are women. I knew I should have had the vole sleeping with "that guy you've been flirting with." I just didn't feel right looking for a picture of a man in bed...
I'm not a big cat guy, but the owl idea has merit. Unless, that is, he vomits vole parts all over the place.
Jasmine, the NYC voles sell the good stuff. The voles upstate get their stuff second or third hand. That's the kind of junk he was trying to sell to your sister. I wouldn't expect people to hate the vole for selling good drugs to the kids.
btw...how fucking cute is that vole? i'm kind of obsessed with it.
I fear that I may have failed in my plan to generate hate for the vole.
As he has in my yard, the vole has won.
Don't blame me though, when the vole buys that pair of Manolos you were looking at (with money stolen from your wallet), wears the same dress as you to the club, or eats your backup pencil while you're taking the bar exam. I warned you.
don't worry, omar. i still hate the vole. you only have to pick through one ball of fur and bones puked up from an owl to develop a lifelong aversion to them.
but i have to agree w/ jasmine, your pic of it is kind of cute.
"Vole" spelled backwards is "elov." And elov is an acrostic for:
Everybody
Likes to
Operate on
Voles.
Everybody who thinks they don't love it needs to try it and see how great it is.
I hate SQUIRRELS.
Squirrels have devoured several hundreds of dollars of items on my deck.
Including my fucking prized hammock.
I dare it, FREAKIN' DARE IT to come near me.
I know which squirrel it is.
And PETA's gonna have a fuckin' file on me soon, I swear to God.
Fuck rodents. I wish you good lawn health, dude. Your kid deserves it. Damn voles.
thelastditch.blogspot.com
Post a Comment
<< Home