My arch enemy - and why it should be yours too
When I became a homeowner, I picked up a whole new group of enemies (larder beetles, kids who ride bikes in my lawn, dogs who use my lawn as a bathroom, etc). At the top of my list is a creature that you may not have even heard of: the vole.
No, not a mole. Vole. "But it's so cute, it reminds me of the hamster I had when I was a kid!" Well, it's not cute. It's evil. It's a mass-reproducing, lawn eating creature created by the devil to take over the earth.
As you may have gathered, I hate the vole because it wears down tracks in my lawn and eats my greenery. I do understand, however, that readers of this blog might not care about my lawn. As a result, I have compiled the following list:
Why you should hate voles as much as I do
- The vole stole your wallet - And there was money in it. The vole will use that $15 to make a nest. You could have had 14 items from the Wendy's $.99 menu (depending on tax in your area).
- The vole took your job - Combined with the last one, the vole took money out of your pocket both literally and figuratively. To rub it in, he kept the picture of your family on the desk.
- The vole slept with your wife/girlfriend - And if you look closely, you'll see he's about to smoke a cigarette in your bed. (Don't be mad at her though, the vole drugged her. Don't think he's capable of that? See below.)
- The vole tried to sell drugs to your little sister - Perhaps the most heinous offense of all. If you were on the fence about the vole up to this point, your blood should be boiling by now. She was just playing on the beach, for god's sake. It couldn't be more innocent. Until...
Spread the word, folks. And keep an eye on your kid sister.
Comments
cadiz12 said:
are voles as damaging as chipmunks? because they're cute, but damn destructive. i swear the chipmunks scurrying around in my parents' gutters actually smirk at me as if to say 'i'm going to burrow a hole into your mommy's basement and spawn among your childhood playthings, and there's NOTHING you can do about it!'maybe you need to ge an owl? when we were in junior high, a lot of the vomited-up owl stuff we examined had vole parts in it.
Jasmine said:
dude, i totally bought the best pot ever from that vole once. don't knock him!
1GloriousConundrum said:
That blasted vole! I didn't even know I HAD a girlfriend or a little sister until I caught him committing his evil deeds...beast! And he never gave that photo of my family back, either, and now I'm stuck at my job while he works as the high-level fashionista I used to be....
This is why I keep cats, I resent not one dead rodent found beheaded on my front step.
I said:
I saw a stat somewhere that sixty-something percent of bloggers are women. I knew I should have had the vole sleeping with "that guy you've been flirting with." I just didn't feel right looking for a picture of a man in bed...
I'm not a big cat guy, but the owl idea has merit. Unless, that is, he vomits vole parts all over the place.
Jasmine, the NYC voles sell the good stuff. The voles upstate get their stuff second or third hand. That's the kind of junk he was trying to sell to your sister. I wouldn't expect people to hate the vole for selling good drugs to the kids.
Jasmine said:
btw...how fucking cute is that vole? i'm kind of obsessed with it.
I said:
I fear that I may have failed in my plan to generate hate for the vole. As he has in my yard, the vole has won. Don't blame me though, when the vole buys that pair of Manolos you were looking at (with money stolen from your wallet), wears the same dress as you to the club, or eats your backup pencil while you're taking the bar exam. I warned you.
cadiz12 said:
don't worry, omar. i still hate the vole. you only have to pick through one ball of fur and bones puked up from an owl to develop a lifelong aversion to them.but i have to agree w/ jasmine, your pic of it is kind of cute.
ginnderella said:
"Vole" spelled backwards is "elov." And elov is an acrostic for:EverybodyLikes to Operate onVoles.
I said:
Everybody who thinks they don't love it needs to try it and see how great it is.
scribe called steff said:
I hate SQUIRRELS.Squirrels have devoured several hundreds of dollars of items on my deck.Including my fucking prized hammock.I dare it, FREAKIN' DARE IT to come near me.I know which squirrel it is.And PETA's gonna have a fuckin' file on me soon, I swear to God.Fuck rodents. I wish you good lawn health, dude. Your kid deserves it. Damn voles.thelastditch.blogspot.com
Dane Anderson said:
Vole? Hah! You should visit Texas and meet the racoon spawn of hell. The beat up your dogs, eat wooden fence planks and smear their tiny paw prints all over your sliding glass doors.
Why do you think they wear that mask?
wendela said:
Re: the vole. I literally haven't laughed this hard in ages! I love your blog- just found it! :) Thanks!
suchie said:
hey, i found this page thanks to wendela. i think by acknowledging the voles on your blog, you solidified their rise to power. They used you,omar, they used you. I mean I had never even heard of a vole. Do they live in the chicago area? If I see one now (since I now know how much influence they have on us, and that they could make or break me), I will have no choice but to give my undying love and attention to it. Thanks a lot Omar!
alaskan vole trapper said:
i to have the scuvey beasts. in my northern home in alaska, the varmits wreck havoc on my fields and garden. i trap them with mice traps and peanut butter and almsost have enough pelts to make a nice trappers hat.
Tiffany said:
I just found voles in my yard tonight after mowing and googled them to see WTH is in my yard.
This site is great. TIA for the hearty laugh.
Long said:
I tried to live and let live but the voles in my yard have moved in their extended family from Mexico.
Where can I rent an owl?
Voleous Vogelby the Third said:
alert('Man is history.\n\nVOLEs will take over the world\n\nLong live the VOLE\n\nha ha ha ha ha')
Beast Master said:
Er... I have a pet vole that I raised from it's being found as a barely furred orphan... It is now a couple months old and living in my room. I cannot escape it's powers of mind-control through looking at me in that frighteningly cute way... (It's a red backed vole, they're not really a problem where I live near Seattle).
Scared said:
My gawd, I think you should see this!
http://www.vole.org.uk/
It appears your theories are completely grounded in fact! GROUNDED.............. AHHhhHHH
Little Charlie Vole said:
All you vole haters - we are comming for you - and this time we are bringing the otters with us!
savannah said:
i hate them especially bacuse they look like hamsters and i ahte them
RottieMom said:
This morning, my two dogs killed a vole in my lawn. It was a traumatic (and, from the sounds he made, a very painful) death for the poor rodent, but I don't feel that bad about the whole murder after reading this. The dogs were having fun, and cleaning up the neighborhood at the same time... the circle of life in my backyard. So, a perfect solution to any sort of vole attack: get a Rottweiler. Bigger guns = victory!
volekin said:
I didn't believe the vole even existed until my girlfriend started screaming like a whiny little bitch while perched atop a bar stool. She swore the cat had something but she wasn't budging, so I had to grab the vole by the balls and fling it outside where it made a loud thud...I suspect that little devil spawn will be dead at the foot of the bed in the morning.
Diane said:
Damn. A little while ago my cat came in the house with a vole in her mouth. She often kills and eats them which makes me feel sorry for them. I removed the vole from my cat's mouth, and noticed it was still alive. I felt sorry for it as they are very cute, so I put it in a cloth as a nest hoping it would be better soon so I could put it back outside, but it appeared to be near death.
All of a sudden, it sprang back to life, ran out of it's nest I made, hopped off this table and is now loose in my house. I would be much happier if I could have gotten it outside but thought it was a lost cause, so I figured I'd at least let it die in warmth and comfort.
I don't know much about voles except we have plenty of them here in SW Alaska, so I looked up vole on wikipedia. Apparently they have a life span of 3 to 6 months, and have 12 litters a year! They also have many predators, such as cats and foxes.
So here I sit, at 2:19 am, waiting for the rogue vole to appear, so I can hopefully capture it and put it back outside.
This is quite worrisome as I don't want a carcas, even a tiny one, rotting in my house underneath some appliance I won't be able to lift
sadie said:
I have apet vole. i love him! most adorable drug dealing home wreaking job stealing little guy in the world.
Sunshine said:
I think I have one of these vile creatures living in my bedroom!! I'm about ready to commit myself to the psych ward if I can't get rid of the damn thing! Don't think it's a mouse cuz there are no droppings anywhere & it also hasn't got into any food so I don't even know how it's surviving! I've been trying to get it with a mousetrap but it just gets the peanut butter off (it just took it off the trap & left it lying beside it, didn't even eat it!!!). So, I tried chocolate pie & it just ate that off the trap, I don't know how it's doing it cuz it doesn't even snap the traps!! grrrrrr....this damn thing is just taunting me & driving me crazy!!! I haven't even slept in days cuz I can't sleep knowing it's there!! HELP!!!!
maybe I should get a snake......... http://www.redshift.com/~bigcreek/fauna/garter%20snake/index.html
Kawika said:
Hmmm. That looks like the same vole that stole my car, fondled my genitals, and burrowed it's children in my sinuses during my septoplasty. I know a wanker who would feel bad for killing one of those pathetic wastes of carbon. I have put a jihad on moles, voles, and ground squirrels. Owls are supposed to work well...you need to lure them in somehow. Traps work pretty well. I know someone who uses long road flares to smoke them to death. No mercy.
mko said:
Too damn funny. I found this site looking for info on voles since I just rescued one from our road. It is actually too cute and I will not curse those tracks in my lawn again now that I know how adorable they are. One concern...it only goes around and around in circles. Occassionally falling over. I think it got into that weed from your vole. Since I hear they only live a few months, I'm gonna keep it as a pet. One less vole eating my yard.
Brandi said:
I was just outside moving my sprinkler when I spotted a bird digging a hole, and I was like wth, why is that bird digging. Then I decided to get a closer look because I didn't have my contacts in, but my dog beat me to it. It was a vole! My dog picked it up, shook it twice then ran off. I went over to the vole and didn't know what the heck it was it tried to go towards its hole but I kicked dirt in it real fast, then it started off toward another hole, I covered it real fast, but it started digging in. I didnt want the darn thing to get back into my lawn, and I wanted my hubby(who is at work as I type)to see the culprit. So I decided to pick it up by it's tail and hope that it couldn't swing up and bite me. Well it didn't. So then I had nowhere to put it and I was wandering around with a vole by the tail. Then it's muddy tail started slipping so I paniced and threw it in our cooler. My hubby is going to be POed, but I had to! So now I was wondering if I should keep it, cause it is damn cute! Thanx for the site, cause I had no clue what it was and well,..... now I do!
Luisa said:
HI-larious.
N!KK! MOUSE said:
they are NOT evil, they are adorable.
you should catch them , and send them to some kind of feild instead of killing them, or getting them to sell drugs, that aint cool.
repralexi
said:
I, too, have a pet vole. I rescued him from a torrential rainstorm at my home in Northern Florida. He lives in with my gerbil and my wild field mouse and they are a happy family. The vole is the cutest of three and has the most wonderful personality! PLEASE BE KIND TO VOLES - THEY ARE VERY VERY SMART! They are kind of like little dogs and can be trained to do things. My vole likes to sit on my shoulder and cuddle. He even takes care of my field mouse, who is a baby. They DO make wonderful pets and are no more harmful to yards than any other wild creature. After all, you probably built your house on top of what WAS their homeland. FYI to all vole-owners: they LOVE warm baths, pumpkins seeds and blueberries! Any other vole-owners, please contact me to make some vole-friends! :)
repralexi@gmail.com