Message to Future Parents IV: Assembly Required
A bit of background: I am relatively handy (except with TVs). I can figure out how to put stuff together. My dad (the former electrical engineer who likes to build stuff) and I assembled the boy's crib last year, because we thought it was silly to pay someone else to assemble it. There were approximately 500 parts in this box, and they were accompanied by a two-page instruction manual. Right off the bat, we knew there was going to be some imagination required. Several hours later, the crib was assembled. I had hoped to never need those instructions again.
It turns out that I did. This weekend. Not surprisingly, there is no section detailing how to adjust crib height, only a line indicating that there are three heights you can set the crib to. Please take a look a the following crib diagram:
(Note that though I created this image in 45 seconds with laptop trackpad precision, it is 1000 times better than any diagram inside the crib's instruction manual.)
The image is one of four corners of the crib's frame. There are five oddly-spaced holes in the frame, then one on each of the support beams. Screws fasten the support beams through the frame. Math majors out there might see where I'm heading with this.
They claim there are three possible height settings. There are five (unlabeled) holes. There are way more than three damn possibilities. Two hours later, the crib was finally evenly lowered and safe to lie down on. It came down to me making diagrams. I will not be trying that again.
Pretty much everything purchased for the boy requires some assembly/installation. High chair, stroller, car seat (I could easily do another post entirely about the car seat, but I'll spare you), stationary play center, bouncy chair, crib, changing table, toys, more toys, etc. Typically when assembling stuff that requires screw drivers, it sends the testosterone levels upward. (I've already mentioned what happens when the testosterone gets flowing.) But the fact that I'm assembling brightly colored baby toys and furniture does take away from that.
I've got no advice for you about this. I'm just looking to prepare you for the assembly headache. Enjoy.
Comments
Jasmine said:
"this took 45 seconds to make and is 1000 times better than the actual illustration"i totally believe you. i'm a decently smart cookie and always get lost in those things.
Jon said:
I love putting things together, but any time I open up the box, look at the pieces, then look at the instructions and immediately wish someone had accidentally forgotten to put the instructions in there in the first place, I know I'm in for a challenge. My favorite is the one page instructions with tow pictures, one of all the little pieces, and another of the finished product. And the pictures are surrounded by blocks of Chinese characters... At that point, I usually put on a blindfold and just start jamming pieces together. Doesn't sound like a good plan, but it pans out 54% of the time, and I can't argue with those kinds of numbers.
Jon said:
Yeah that's right, tow pictures. I was speaking colloquially of course, so the rest of you might recognize it under the Midwestern text book definition of "two pictures." Sorry if I threw anyone off with my gibberish dialect...
cadiz12 said:
putting stuff together is what makes IKEA so much damn fun. but it sucks when the diagram seems to be lying, though. good instincts in chucking the instructions and making your own. why bother doing a job if you can't do it right?
girlspit said:
This reminds me of the Christmas that my father and brother almost came to blows while trying to assemble my hot pink Barbie Western Camper. Ahh, good times.Also, the instructions included in any assemble-yourself furniture are inevitably written by non-Native English speakers. Have you ever noticed the spelling errors and confusing syntax?
omar said:
I don't mind putting stuff together. But I would just prefer to space it out. I've put more together since November than... than probably ever.And yes, I have noticed that there is often poor english in the instructions for much of the furniture. Aside from the crib, it hasn't been much of an issue (luckily). There is just so much pressure with the crib, I don't want my faulty assembly to cause the boy to go crashing to the ground.
girlspit said:
I can see how your infant child crashing to the ground, especially in the middle of the night, might be more of a concern than, say, a poorly assembled Millenium Falcon (toy version, of course).
Guyana-Gyal said:
Omra, please also put a big, thick mattress under that crib. That chile is goin' to find a way out, bein' part Guyanese...yessuh, he will.