The Showdown
"Mouse?" I asked. "Little brown guy, beady eyes, about yay big?"
"Yeah, something like that," he replied.
I ran inside, got my laptop, brought it out, and showed him a picture. "Was this the 'mouse'?"
"Yes, that's it! You've had a problem with them before?"
"That's no mouse. Son of a ..." I darted in the house to put on shoes. On my way back out, I grabbed the only weapon I could find - an old broomstick. "Which way did he go?"
With a bit of a "you're crazy" look on his face, he pointed around the back of the garage. I crept slowly around the corner. There he was - the vole. I stopped.
He looked up.
"So we meet again," I said. "Or really, for the first time."
"Way to mess up the classic Spaceballs line, idiot," said the vole. "Got some more peanut butter for me? Crunchy this time, like I asked?"
"I see your wit matches your penmanship," I snapped back. "Let's see what good your penmanship does you against this here broomstick." I pulled it out and got in the ready position.
Important Note: Sorry to interrupt the story, but I wasn't sure if everyone would be familiar with the "ready position." Just imagine a guy standing ready to fight, but with a stick in his hand. That's it.I slowly stepped towards him. "I've been waiting a long time to take this broomstick and --"
"Do you smell something?" interrupted the vole. He made sniffing motions in the air.
"What?"
"Smells like... gasoline, maybe?" Out from behind him, he pulled out a container of gas.
"Wouldn't it be a shame if you took another step closer and your garage caught on fire?" asked the vole, with a grin.
"OK, first, that can is bigger than you." I said. "How the crap did you have it behind you without me seeing it? Second, gasoline doesn't spontaneously combust at 61 degrees. It's not like you have --"
"Matches?"
He continued. "Now let me tell you how this is going to work. You're going to put the stick down, and back the (*edited*) up. Then, you're going to watch me run underneath your back deck. Finally, you'll get even more pissed off because you know that I will establish a new, much bigger home there, now that Chachi the landscaper ruined my old one in the bush - AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT. Got it, Daniel-san?" (I was still in my ready position.)
I put the stick down, and I took a step back. The vole darted underneath my deck.
I haven't seen him since. Damn the vole. Damn him.
Comments
Jym Ferrier said:
A metal gas can - he's clearly old school. Any animal that terrorizes yards and has a metal gas can has been in the biz for a while. You clearly have a skilled vole on your hands.
1GloriousConundrum said:
I was simultaneously filled with horror and awe. The power of the vole! The sheer intelligence and sleight of hand! How, Omar? How will you face such an enemy?My nightmares contain only the vole's beady eyes, staring at me from the recesses previously reserved for the boogey man and cockroaches.
cadiz12 said:
he's wily that vole. and snarky.
Jasmine said:
i'll marry the vole. tell him he can come live with me. i will give him crunchy peanutbutter! evil about threatening to blow up the garage though. you should hire him out as a magician. he rocks.
Syar said:
man, that vole is a sneaky little *edited* that truly was a showdown of epic proportions. and daniel-san? surely the vole does not have *evil music* ninja powers too? *dramatic gasp*
cadiz12 said:
dude omar, you should totally take on the vole. mano a paw (?)and you can have someone with a portable tape deck play joe esposito's 'you're the best' (that song from the karate kid's final showdown with the cobra kai) 'you're the best, around! nothing's ever gonna bring you down!'but watch out, jasmine could be in the other corner, rooting for the enemy...
1GloriousConundrum said:
At my sister's, we discovered there's a type of snake that eats gophers (yeah, we're uninformed, so what?!), any hope that you could have a Gopher Snake v. Vole match in your future?
Omar said:
First, I wanted to announce that jym's comment was the 500th on this site. Bravo. I had all sorts of plans about what I was going to give to the 500th commenter, but the one thing I didn't count on was the person being someone who knows me in real life. I don't want to be expected to follow through on any of it. So jym, you get nothing.jasmine - I'd be happy to pass on your message that the vole can come live with you. The one catch is that he enjoys healthy grass, which from what I understand, there isn't much of in Manhattan. So your proximity to central park will be a big factor. (Unless you're willing to move to Queens.)If you can think it, and it's bad, the vole is capable of doing it. He's built up a tolerance to rat poison, for god's sake. He's hardcore.
Jon said:
I smell another musical montage... I imagine Omar and the Vole fighting lesser opponents on the way to the final showdown. Jasmine will of course be in the other corner. Watch out for the leg sweep Omar. There's no doubt in my mind that the vole will attempt this nearly indefensible and devastating karate maneuver. I imagine your only counter action will be some one legged, hobbling move that will look very awkward and like you're leaving yourself wide open, but in the end, it will be equally devastating. Is this going to be a pay-per-view event? Who's promoting it? Please don't say Don King... although it wouldn't surprise me in the least if the Vole and King were working together...
Cate said:
Gas can and taunting aside, I have total confidence in your ability to give the vole the smackdown. Do us proud, Omar.