The Miracle Bagel
About 13 or 14 years ago, I got my braces removed. My teeth looked spectacular. I don't remember much about the day I got them removed, other than it was the first day I noticed that my jaw had an audible click when I opened my mouth wide. I'm convinced something done that day caused this click. It's not painful, but it is annoying. And it never went away.
Fast forward to last week, when I went to Panera Bread for lunch. I had a tasty Frontega Chicken sandwich and a french toast bagel. As I was chewing the bagel, my jaw started to get a little fatigued, and had a feeling that was just shy of something I would classify as pain. I opened wide to stretch out my mouth, then closed. Hm. I did it again. Immediately, I noticed that my jaw was not clicking. Understand that this is something that had been part of my everyday life for around 14 years, and suddenly it disappeared halfway through a french toast bagel.
I spent the next couple of hours opening and closing my mouth, thinking that it was too good to be true. But it wasn't. Well, it was good, but not too good. No wait, it was too good, but not too good to be true. Right. Over the next several days, my mind was racing about possible medicinal uses for this newly dubbed "miracle bagel." I could storm into Panera and say, "Panera, I want as many french toast bagels as you can make!" I'd take them to my tank in the parking lot and individually wrap them in zip-lock bags to lock in the freshness. Then I'd travel around NY, visiting hospitals and nursing homes, donating the miracle healing bagels. In fact, why stop at NY? I could make it a crusade, travel all over the US, then to Canada and Mexico (I apologize to those overseas, but I'm traveling by tank and cannot possibly get to where you are). I had my route all mapped out and everything.
Then, this morning, I was flossing my teeth. As I opened wide to get between my teeth in the back of my mouth, I felt an all to familiar CLICK.
It's just as well, I don't really like to travel anyway.
Comments
scroobious said:
A French toast bagel? Is that a bagel fried in egg? I *think* that's disgusting, but can't quite work out why it should be more disgusting than regular French toast. Hm. How quickly can you eat it, though? Do you think speed eating might enhance, or counteract the miracle healing effects?
Cate said:
***** 1000th COMMENT *****
A poll about poop?
Omar, I think you've been spending a little too much time over at Dooce.
MEP said:
Well miracles can come in all sorts of packages - even french toasted ones. Too bad it didn't last.
The poll is rather gross. I answered it anyway.
Sarah said:
WOOT! A poll about poop! I like to know that I'm not the only one that talks about it.
I said:
scroob - French Toast Bagel (from Panera's site) - "Sweet maple-flavored and vanilla chips are swirled into our base bagel dough." So no egg. That would be a bit disgusting, I think. And I'm pretty sure I could eat it in 90 seconds.
cate - Yes, a poll about poop. This, like the last poll, is there to try to settle a dispute.
MEP - It is too bad indeed. The poll isn't that gross. It's all natural, man. All natural.
sarah - Poop discussion is welcomed at omarphillips.net.
Viking054 said:
Oh, I didn't even notice the new pole. Hooray for poop!
I should try one of those bagels. I got a click in my jaw too...
Glo said:
Ewww. I won't be fixing this poll. Icky. Stinky.
As for the miracle bagel, ship about 1000 to our hospital. We're running short on the happy stories lately, so if a bagel can fix it, we'll cram 'em down the kid's throats. (As a dietitian, I, of course, know the safe way to perform that activity.)
amber said:
I have a clicking jaw too, just occasionally. I can pop my jaw too, move/roll it so it basically dislocates. Anyways this dentist told me onec the clicking could be a sign of TMJ which is apparently bad. When I hear the noise I do a quick roll and pop and it goes away. Probably not good for me either.
jasmine said:
oh dear! i'm sorry.
but you with your pizza and milk...and you're eating chicken on french toast bagles? what's just gross.
RaJ said:
Yes, but there does seem to be a pattern: food, then gross food, then the (yes, natural) next phase of gross food.
Settle a dispute? How did that go? "You can use *anything* as a poll topic. Watch this one."
No. I've come down with a case of nerdly dignity and cannot in good conscience participate in this poll.
Make the next one about something I can deeply relate to - as a male - with appropriate dignity. Like competitive belching, or far--
Viking054 said:
Oops. I spelled poll wrong. That's gonna bug me all night...
I said:
viking - The tasty bagel and the click free week was definitely worth the $.69.
glo - So all I needed to do was make the poll disgusting for people to not ruin the statistical integrity? And yes, I can ship some of the miracle bagels your way. Keep in mind, their healing powers last only a week. I don't think I could afford to send 1000 per week.
amber - Probably not good for you, no. My dentist has never seemed to care about the click. Mine happens 100% of the time, and it sucks.
jas - The two items weren't eaten together, the bagel was dessert for the chicken sandwich. That would have been gross. Though, probably still not as gross as pizza and milk.
RaJ - I understand, re: the poll. The dispute didn't quite go like that, it really was a dispute about poop. Fascinating, really. Unfortunately, early poll results are proving me wrong.
Nadia said:
Omar - Ah phooey. Overseas, shmoverseas. I'm tired of missing out on really excellent stuff, just because a couple thousand miles of ocean lie in the way. I should just move to NY early and be done with it. Any houses for sale in your neighbourhood?
Ditto glo - No poopy poll-fixing for me this time. Ick ick ick.
scroobious said:
Ooh, maple vanilla bagel. That does sound good.
Then the chicken part, not so much.
I said:
Let me reiterate, the chicken and the bagel were not eaten together. Here's the chicken sandwich:
Frontega Chicken Panini - Smoked, pulled white meat chicken, red onions, mozzarella cheese, tomatoes, chopped basil and our chipotle mayonnaise, grilled hot on our Rosemary & Onion focaccia.
RaJ said:
Aaugh! When I first read this post yesterday, there was only ONE comment, which happened to be #999. If I'd had a single fragment of thought at the time, would have been the #1000...
No! No! No! IdiotIdiotStupidStupidStupid Wahhh!
Omar - no offense, but this is all your fault. It was that STUPID poop-poll! I saw that and my IQ instantly dropped sixty points. Since this put me well below 20 (I hate when that happens) I was functionally incapable of leaving a comment.
I couldn't generate enough motor-control to move my hand from the mouse to the keyboard; all I could do was click, click, click, like pulling a trigger on an empty handgun pointed at my head.
Oh, cruel fate! Why did I have to look at that STUPID POLL before reading the comments?!
That's it. I'm outta here. Little yellow monkey, if you're reading this - come get me. I'm ready to go with you now. Whereever you want to go is fine with me.
(angry, bitter tears streaming down my face)
(Mmmm...salty!)
Sarah said:
I've already ruined the statistical integrity of the poop poll. I wonder what that says about me?
Histrionic said:
Just get a retainer-like plastic mouthpiece to put your jaw back into alignment (thereby reducing stress and tension on your facial muscles), and amaze your friends and family with slurred speech and more drool than is normal for adult humans. Yeah!