What I Did/Learned On My Summer Vacation
Now that my vacation has ended, I'd like to take a moment to reflect on it. The following is a list, in no particular order, of things I did or learned on my summer vacation.
- A kick in the crotch is a kick in the crotch, even when the kick is from the foot of an infant.
- Metaphorically speaking, let's say there was a swimming pool, and the pool was named "Shape." In high school, I was in it. During college, I was sitting on the deck with just my feet hanging in. Now, I'm so far out of the pool, I'm like two houses down from it, indoors on the couch, watching TV with potato chip crumbs on my shirt.
- I apparently can't go a week without checking my work email.
- I apparently can't go 5 minutes without checking my personal email.
- My hatred for bugs increases with age.
- Topsoil "with organic compost" is a farce. They just add the occasional piece of wood and slap a higher price tag on it. Quite literally, I could poop in a bag of regular topsoil and it would be better AND cheaper.
- Which reminds me, can anyone help me out next weekend with some yard work? I've got to put a bunch of topsoil along the foundation of the house.
- Five days is not long enough for me to grow a good vacation beard.
- Don't make prank calls to people who have caller ID.
John: "Help Desk, this is John. Can I help you?"
Me: "Yeah, John, is your refrigerator running?"
John: "Omar, we can read your name on the phone display here, so I know - "
Me: "Better go catch it! WRK IS FOR SUCKERS!" (click) - Being on vacation makes me feel like it's OK to spend money, even though it really isn't. I did a lot of shopping this week.
- Television shows named "Cleavage" are not as good as you might think.
- Golf related items
Important Note: I understand that people may not care so much about golf, but it's a big deal to me that I finally got the opportunity to play this week. So while you may not care about some of these, keep an open mind. Besides, some of these, while they seem golf-specific, can be applied to everyone by making subtle changes. For example, say I said "My 7-iron is not the right club from 150 yards or closer." Substitute "body" for "7-iron," and take out "not the right club from 150 yards or closer" and put in "too bootylicious for you, baby." Those two little changes allow non-golfers to relate.
- Regarding the beginning of the golf season, beginner's luck only lasts for 27 holes. I played the first 27 holes 23 shots over par. I played the last 9 holes 20 shots over par.
- If you've been hooking the ball all day, don't aim at the pond on the right expecting to hook it back into the fairway. Never aim at trouble.
- I drove the front fringe on a 324 yard par 4 (downhill and down wind). While I felt like He-Man, it didn't help my score. It took me three shots to go the remaining 25 feet, and I came away with a par.
- My 1500cc titanium aluminum plutonium magnesium copper cadmium brass gold platinum gallium driver (with a graphite shaft), as sexy as it is, never got taken out of the bag. 3-woods are where it's at.
- Black guys can't wear red shirts on the golf course anymore. Thanks a lot, Tiger.
- But Tiger, if you're reading this, I love you!
Comments
Jasmine said:
so glad you got to play golf on vacy. i kept thinking, "what?! no golf?" although i tried to change those golf items to make them interesting and since i'm neither funny nor creative...it just didn't work. though even *I* knew not to aim at the pond...
Radioactive Jam said:
Ha-ha*. Excellent post, and excellent advice. Especially the part about hooking shots all day, then aiming for trouble. Same experience here: "Hmm... (shuffle-shuffle)... (thwock!)... (splash). D'Oh!"*Audio track from LOL
cadiz12 said:
bootylicious. now i get it. dude, i so hear you on the pool analogy. i dipped my toe into the pool this weekend and been hobbling around complaining of a broken left booty cheek for the last two days. that's the last time i try to learn how to do something. glad you had a nice vacay. what'd you do to piss off the boy that he had to kick you in the crotch?
omar said:
jasmine - I also know not to aim at the pond, but there is no logic on the teebox in golf. Jam, back me up on this!Also Jam, I hope you and yours are OK with regards to Dennis. cadiz - Unfortunately, he was in a good mood when the incident happened. He's unpredictable, this boy. "Yay, dad! We're having a great time!" - then BAM. foot in the crotch.
Radioactive Jam said:
Little impact from this 'cane in these parts, thanks.And Jasmine, Omar's right about there being no logic at the tee. In fact, the whole concept of playing golf pretty much defies logic.Safe to say *Vulcans* don't play.
Syar said:
the boy is starting to rebel i see. like jazz, i tried my best with the golfing thing. i got past the word par before i just couldn't comprehend. but i was enlightened at the never aim at trouble part. sound advice, very sound advice. *goes off in the corner to contemplate*
1GloriousConundrum said:
So sad to face the return to work. At least you'll be able to prank phone them on company pay...
Sarah said:
Not to give away where I live, but I live quite near to a famous golf course where there is a major (The Major?) tournament every year.I hate golf.I did play once... I could hit it straight, but only about 10 feet at a time. So, yea...I hate golf.
Cate said:
As a non-golfer who knows way too much about the game (and actually kind of enjoys it, but don't tell anyone) - I am frequently subjected to The Golf Channel during commercials of the show we're actually watching - I just wanted to say good on you, Omar, for getting a little golf in on your vacation. But, as my resident golfer is fond of stating, you're just not serious about the game unless you're playing at least twice a week.
1GloriousConundrum said:
Golf is a crazy, crazy good time. It hijacked the men in my family several years ago. They haven't been seen since...
omar said:
GAAAArrrgh. I had a nice long comment here, and I thought I published, but I previewed, and it's all gone. syar - Golf advice does translate well into life advice. I hope the contemplating went well.glo - The prank calls from work were even less effective, because they could both see my name on the phone display AND hear me through both ears at the same time. sarah - After that last comment, you've been stricken from my will. And it's a shame, because you really would have liked what I was leaving you.cate - Your resident golfer is correct. There was a time when I was playing 5 times a week. Those were the days, cate. Those were the days.glo 2 - It's quite addictive. And if I lived in a warmer climate, people wouldn't see me that often either!
Jasmine said:
hey! i just got to vote in the poll again! must be because i'm using a shchool computer. it's cheating, but i'm trying to make glo happy by putting the yes's in the lead.
I said:
This is a test comment to see how it works.