Like a computer with no electricity
It has been very dry and very warm this summer. As a result, I haven't done a lot of mowing of the lawn, because it hasn't needed it. Particularly the back yard, which already plays second fiddle to the front.
Recently though, the back yard has been in bad shape. It needed to be cut. Even the vole, who has been quiet for several weeks (and hasn't left me a note since May 11th), left me a note on my car that said "Say man, that backyard? You need to cut that sh%#."
So I went out after work to take care of it. I was doing pretty poorly with the step count today anyway, so I figured mowing would help. I wheel the mower out to the front, and I give the starting cord pull thing a tug to start the mower. As usual, my trusty Toro started on the first try. The unusual part, however, was that the cord remained in my hand. Yes, the pull cord broke. So there I was, hand on the dead man's switch, with the mower running. I knew that if it stopped, I wouldn't be able to start it again.
I stood there, terrified that my hand would slip, or that the mower would run out of gas. I had horrible thoughts of being stuck with a half-mowed lawn and a mower I can't start. So I did the only thing I could. I mowed. I mowed the back yard. Then the front. Scared of stopping, I mowed my way up by the open front door.
As I mowed past the door, I yelled, "Wife! I need your help!"
She came running to the door. "What's the matter?!"
Still mowing, "I can't stop the mower!"
"WHAT?"
"I CAN'T STOP THE MOWER, THE PULL CORD TO START IT BROKE. IF I STOP IT, I WON'T BE ABLE TO START IT AGAIN!"
"STOP WALKING FOR A MINUTE! STANDING STILL WON'T MAKE THE MOWER TURN OFF."
Oh yeah. She's right. I stop walking. "I NEED THE GAS CAN FROM THE GARAGE, BUT I DON'T WANT TO BRING THE RUNNING MOWER IN THERE."
"YOU'VE MOWED THE ENTIRE LAWN. WHY DO YOU NEED MORE GAS?"
"I TOLD YOU, THE MOWER CAN'T STOP, BECAUSE THEN WE CAN'T START IT. I'M GOING TO KEEP MOWING UNTIL I HAVE A PLAN TO GET IT FIXED. I WAS THINKING THAT--"
"I'M GOING BACK INSIDE NOW," she said.
Carefully, I kept one hand on the switch while adjusting each of the wheel heights, lowering the mower (kids, do not try this at home). I went back to the backyard, and started over. It was like the movie Speed, except take away the flying bus, lame ass plot, and Keanu Reeves, and add a hot, married, tech support guy who loves his lawn. I knew that the moment I stopped, the mower would be officially broken.
I got about five minutes in when the mosquitoes came out. There was one SOB that kept buzzing around my head. I carefully watched him, then CLAP. Got him, the little bastard. As quickly as I reacted to get the bug, I realized that I let go of the dead man's switch. The mower stopped, seemingly in slow motion. A single tear rolled down my cheek.
As I sit writing this now, my mower is sitting in the garage, unable to be started. It's like a car with no engine. A computer with no electricity. A TV with no picture tube. It's a sad day in the life of me.
Comments
Squeaky said:
Yesterday, I was walking through my yard and heard some rustling in a bush. I got up real close to the bush to see what was in there. I saw some fur and beady eyes. Thinking it was a vole, I started freaking out, "Oh my gosh! The voles have migrated south!"
Then I noticed a long, hairless, wormy tale.
It was a rat.
Glo said:
I like the wife more every time she shows up around here....
I commiserated in usual giggly style. I feel that the Power Gods have not smiled upon you today.
Lou said:
Sounds like it was a sight to see (right Mrs. Phillips!?)
I would have tried to get someone to bring me tape to tape the switch so I wouldn't have to worry about letting go. (I have a bug phobia, so the first sign of a stingy or biting buy, my hands would have come off the switch.)
cadiz12 said:
halfway through this post i was already formulating my comment paralleling this to 'speed', complete with the wife/keanu as the voice of reasonable logic analogy. but dang it, omar, you already went there.
don't be sad; it'll be winter soon anyway.
Viking054 said:
Same exact thing happened to me once. Except I saw it as a good excuse NOT to mow the lawn that day. Anyway, you can fix it. It's a pain, but you can fix it.
In other news, I couldn't believe what I saw on TV a couple days ago... THE WIGGLES! The freakin' Wiggles were on my TV. I think they were singing about how groovy their hats were...
Ant said:
Your consistently brilliant posts bring a bucket-load of sunshine into my little grey life! :o)
Who knew mowing the lawn could be such an adrenalin hit?
I said:
squeaky - Welcome! Just be glad it wasn't a vole. Yes, rats are bad, blah blah. They are not voles.
glo - I was going to say, "well then why don't you marry her?" but she's taken. Then I was going to say, "why don't you go comment on her blog?" but she doesn't have one. So, I'll just say thanks for stopping by.
lou - I had considered taking off my shirt and tying the switch down, so that I could go get something else more permanent. But I was afraid to let go!
cadiz - Of course, the weather this week has been rainy and cooler, which are perfect growing conditions for a lawn. I can't think of any circumstance that would have me longing for winter, including this one.
viking - I've never actually seen the Wiggles in motion, I've only heard their music. I'm sure that day will come, as the boy grows up.
ant - Thanks for the compliment! Mowing the lawn is almost always this exciting around the Phillips' house. It's just not always this heart breaking.
Berrygirl said:
how sad- sometimes losing a faithful household appliance can be heartbreaking. I think back to my wonderful dishwasher.... take a greiving period from the yard for awhile and hire someone to take it off your hands until you can find a place that can fix the Toro.
Sarah said:
I'm sad for the demise of your mower. My Craftsman continues to serve me well year after year. Since it was $free.95 (not to be confused with $3.95) it makes me love it even more.
I too would cry if it broke...
Then I'd buy me a riding mower.
Cate said:
Commiserating in giggly style. With a single tear for the mower. One tear only.
Why doesn't the wife have a blog? If she did, we would all totally read it and love it, I'm sure.
X said:
Sorry to hear that, bro. Until you get a new lawnmower, you might want to make do with one of these. Don't say I never did anything for you.
---X
RaJ said:
I was a little surprised you didn't check the cord for teeth-marks. Then again maybe you did and simply neglected to tell us.
I sure wouldn't place a bet against finding some. This seems like a classic vole caper. Speaking of capers, have you ever noticed how they resemble... never mind.
mep said:
RaJ has a point - are you sure the vole didn't set you up? Especially since he taunted you into mowing the grass right away. I'd be wary.
Daisysoapsabs said:
I remember the day my treadmill died, it wasn't quite as elloquent, but it hurt just as much... I didn't want to stop running because I knew I would never hear the pitter-patter of my feet against the belt... slowly, the screen lights faded... the motor came to a slow halt... a part of me died that day...
jasmine said:
you know omar,
you're so funny and clever and i think you're so cool...
until i read a post like this and remember you're just a retarded guy like the rest of them. wife was right to walk away. you're crazy.
i don't even want to guess at how many times over you would have mowed the lawn had that mosquito not inadvertantly interrupted you from your mental breakdown.
Nadia said:
Wish I could comment, but busted a gut laughing at Jazz's comment.
Excuse me, I don't want to keep the ambulance waiting.
Crazy person.
Nadia said:
Must register surprise that someone has yet to screw with the integrity of the poll. I thought people would jump at the chance to be thought of as hot for the Wiggles.
RaJ said:
*Hums a Wiggles tune*
seventeen syllables said:
Omar, so so sorry to hear of the demise of your lawnmower. Surely it's temporary.
I know how irritating it is when the lawn gets that 1/4 inch too long and goes from being lush green sexy carpet you want to cavort in to hideous overgrown vole-infested jungle...that's when I send the husband out to mow, of course, and I know how much it sucks when he's out of commission. So I feel your pain.
Also, I think X's suggestion is brilliant. Think of how evenly you could trim the individual blades of grass!
Syar said:
I love the Wife's cameo appearances. are you keeping her from having a blog, knowing that your readership might, (I say might, I have no guarantee for sure. besides, I don't want to have incriminating evidence against me in the future) ((or add to the ones I already have against me)) all run to her in droves? Huh, Omar, HUH?
that said, my condolences are with you. poor, poor mower. it died so you didn't have a big mozzie bite on the side of your face. what a noble death.
I said:
Very sleepy, so just a few comment responses (will do more in the morning):
X - While it may increase my mowing time tenfold, the level of control I'd have over blade height makes it tempting.
jasmine - Your comment was like, "oh, you're great! You're cool, you're clever - " then STAB. Right in the chest cavity. Then you twisted the blade. It hurt, jas.
17! - Glad to see you back! I thought I had scared you off!
More tomorrow...zzzzzzzzzzzz
Nadia said:
Omar, I was just wondering, why are you classified as "Not For Children" in raridayrar's blog? I get why Jazz is, but you? Fehhh.
Is it the vole thing? And his drug-dealing-to-sisters bit?
mep said:
Oooh, way to incorporate the funny search that brouhgt people to your blog without doing a post about it. Clever. Although, I should note that "Karinne Steffans nude" has still proved to be a popular search term since my post. I have to wonder if it is people who read my blog and then wanted to see if I really came up after that search. You could let me know if this proves true for you as well.
Glo said:
Gotta agree with Syar....don't know where my loyalties would lie if the wife had a blog.
seventeen syllables said:
Omar,
Not scared away...just insanely busy with summer teaching and grading and travel. Had to keep myself off of your blog so I would get work done on time!
I said:
berry - I couldn't bear to see someone else taking care of my lawn. It's like... I can't really think of a comparison. Let's just hope it doesn't come to that.
sarah - That's an excellent price for a mower! Or for anything, really.
cate - This is my blog, let's get back to talking about me.
raj - I don't know why I didn't think of that! Damn vole set me up.
mep - You know, I was giving the vole the benefit of the doubt. The lawn did need to be mowed. But now I'm not so sure...
daisy - Welcome! That feeling is exactly what I was talking about. Thank you for understanding.
jasmine - I already responded, but I just wanted to let you know that the stab wounds still hurt.
nadia - I'm sure the integrity of this poll will be screwed with, just as with every other poll. Except maybe the poop poll.
syar - This is omarphillips.net, not omarphillips'wife.net. Are you saying my readers are not loyal?
Am I sounding too defensive?
nadia - You know, I wondered the same thing, about the "not for children" classification. I don't really even curse, save for showing the notes from the vole. Not sure at all.
mep - Clever is my middle name, MEP. Omar Clever Phillips.
glo - I expected a little more, glo. I thought, as one of the original readers, that you're in my corner. I guess cadiz and jon are the only ones.
17 - Glad you're back!
me said:
Aww. No mower? Use this as an excuse to go get one of those huge, commercial mowers that you steer with the side handles. I love it when people use those on their teeny, tiny lawns. As if the push one would kill 'em.
What am I saying? I've never touched a lawn mower.
Glo said:
Ow. That hurts. After all I've done for you!
Syar said:
geez 'Mar, jump down a girl's throat why don't you. *sniffles* it was just a question, you know your site is like a drug, I couldn't get off it if I tried.
*mutters*...kinda like the crack I'm on now...maybe your commenters make this site "Not For Children." Just a thought.
I said:
Sorry syar, I was a little jumpy that night. Secretly, one of the most cutting edge features on omarphillips.net is the drug that is emitted from the screen when people visit the site. I won't go into too much detail, but let's just say readership is at an all-time "high" (pun intended), and I've been pleased with the results.
Histrionic said:
With the coming oil catastrophe, as foretold by Shawn after he say it on a made for TV movie, I would get a new lawnmower that is neither electric nor gas powered.