Too Much Reality
Every night before the boy's bedtime, we read a book. I tend to only read the one or two books I like, so last night I tried to look for a book that I hadn't read before. The one I picked up is just a generic picture book called "First Words."
Basically, it is just a book with pictures and associated words; it's not a story with a beginning or end. Each page (or group of two pages) has a theme, like "Toys," or "Fruit," or "In the Garden." So we begin going through it.
On the first couple of pages, I came across items that I thought were weird. On the page for "Animals," for example, one of the pictured animals is "Toucan." Really, how often do you find yourself needing to say toucan? Or on the "On the Farm" page, there's a guinea pig. Huh? Are there guinea pig farms? But whatever. It's just a kids' book, and they should be exposing kids to a variety of things.
When I got to the next page, I was ready to take those words back. Of course you want to expose your kids to a variety of things and ideas, but there is a line. And this book crossed it. First was the following page, the theme is "Clothes." I think you'll see why I had a problem with it. (Click on thumbnail below to see the image.)
Thank goodness I have a boy, I could explain this one away by saying that those are just for girls. But why did they think that's appropriate?! Then I turned the page. Next theme, "Around the House."
I have two concerns with this one. First, does everyone really have a Hobo Bob around the house? I always thought it was just me. Second, I think it was a little unfair of them to publish this with him in there. He always tells me that as soon as his "whore of an ex-wife" stops screwing up his credit, he'll be back on his feet. Thanks to this book, he's now immortalized as a hobo. I hope he sues the hell out of them. Once he gets back on his feet, that is.
The last page in the book didn't do much to restore my faith in this publisher's judgement.
I don't even know how this made it through editing. What message are we sending here? How do I explain to my boy why you would find that on the beach?
Like I said, exposure to lots of different things is good for kids. But there is a line. At tender young ages, there is such a thing as too much reality.
Comments
Glo said:
Hey. The only thing that saved my nephew from a needle stick thanks to thong-wearing hobo bob was his advanced education. This book saves lives. Mock it if you will, but one day the boy will look at you and say "Dada. Ow. Needle. Bob." and you'll be grateful you never shied away from the truth.
Jon said:
The world is a strange place… I actually have a disgustingly true story too. I was on a youth trip when I was in high school, and we spent a week on a yacht off the coast of Catalina Island (go ahead, look it up, it’s a real place, I swear.) and we would take hikes every afternoon on the island. The first day, we swam in from the boat and I found 3 hypodermic needles on the beach there. Now I did the only safe thing I could, I hid them in my sock for the duration of the hike and took them to the lab once I got back on the boat. They were harmless. Just some leftovers from a heroine addict with hepatitis C. Boy was that close, it could have been something dangerous. (seriously, the only true part of that story was finding the needles on the beach. We were all a little freaked out by it.)
Jon said:
Also, my biggest problem with hobo Bob, or ho-bob as we like to call him, is that he is out dated. Sure, back in the 80’s everyone and their mother had a hobo Bob in their house, but sometime around the mid to late 90’s we sent ours to the river bottom like everyone else. Frankly, the constant rants about his whore of an ex-wife had become quite tedious at all of our dinner parties. The guests seemed genuinely uncomfortable. Like I said though, that was around ’97. If I recall correctly, back in ’84 we had one in practically every room of the house and a few extras in the garage just in case one went missing. (every once in awhile you’d get one of those holier than thou hobos that would go live under a bridge inside a couple of cardboard boxes and be like, “see? I don’t need you! I got my own place now!” Then he’d tumble over in a drunken stupor, half collapsing his new “place” and pass out. No one wants to see their hobo like that.)
cadiz12 said:
well, thongs and impoverished streetdwellers aside, the thing that scared me the most was the crab. for god's sake, it's practically bigger than the beach chair. i'd be more wary of being pinched by one of those killer claws than any puny stray needle...
Ant said:
Hobo Bob is great - he helps with the cleaning, provides distracting chit-chat when you're bored and takes care of any needles wrapped in thongs that you might have lying around.
And look at the sofa that he gets to sleep on - pure quality.
Nadia said:
cadiz - It's the crab. Definitely the crab. Hobo Bob doesn't stand a chance against it.
*cowers in fear of crustaceany wrath*
MEP said:
Oh my lord, Omar - is this for real? If so, they are crazy for publishing that for babies. If not, then I guess I have been fooled, b/c I was sitting here exclaiming: "That did not just say THONG! No, they did not just have a picture of a USED NEEDLE." That is CRAZY! The crazy is SCARY!
Sarah said:
My nephew has that book. I bought him some baby thongs since it was his first word. They work against the diaper sometimes, but he seems to like them.
Tayster said:
That is some fine humor.
I said:
glo - I guess I never thought about it like that. Thanks for opening my eyes, glo.
jon - Ho-bob has toned it down a little around my house, so all the ex-wife talk isn't bugging us too much. And also, I hear hobo bobs are becoming trendy again, they're making a comeback. Just like New Edition.
cadiz - I didn't really notice the proportion of the giant crab, it is a little scary. But I bet it's also a little tasty. With butter. Or is that for lobster? Whatever. I'm hungry.
Ant - Nothing but the finest for Hobo Bob. That mini-fridge looks pretty well stocked too.
nadia - The "In the Kitchen" page had a giant pot with which you could boil the giant crab and have a tasty feast.
mep - If you can't trust what you read on omarphillips.net, then what can you trust? I'm as real as it gets, mep.
sarah - No, his parents were supposed to tell them that they're for girls! For girls!
Speaking of the thong, I didn't notice until after I posted it that the thong is pictured with built-in camel toe. There is reality, and then there's too much reality.
tayster - Thanks!
Glo said:
I love a post that generates comment hilarity. Funny, funny. Oh - and lay off Hobo Bob, he's a good guy. Just a little normal crustacean fear is all. That crab ate his Playboy Playmate girlfriend, which is why she isn't pictured in the book.
cadiz12 said:
just be careful, omar. the next edition of the book might have sisquo demonstrating the 'booty' for the body part page.
me said:
You're going to call me gullible (or stupid) but I seriously thought the thong one was a bad slip from a fired writer or something. That shit happens.
Thankfully I caught on. Yeah - I'm that quick.
Another spread: Words for school.
Got out of my car the other day to head into class and planted my new shoe next to a used condom.
Beautiful
jasmine said:
have been doing quick reading on vacay and not much commenting, but this was genius. just wanted to say that...
Berrygirl said:
that is so funny- I was like who put this book together? Then I saw the needle and felt like an ass... yes it took me that long. Nothing like giving your kids a healthy dose of reality.
Nadia said:
I think you're all aware of my Blogger = Porn situation. Omar, please forgive me for commenting out of place but I have to give props to RaJ and scroob right now for this.
I wouldn't dare try wrestling the crab into the pot. Perhaps Ho-Bob could strangle it with his thong first? Or jab its insides with the needle?
I said:
cadiz - Thanks for getting the "Thong Song" stuck in my head.
me - I try to shy away from calling my readers names. Besides, if I didn't have at least one person fooled, even for a minute, I would have felt like a failure. So instead of calling you gullible or stupid, I'll thank you for giving my confidence a boost. And that condom thing, I'm sure it was dropped by accident by a nice couple out sharing a really special moment. So in a way, it is indeed beautiful.
jasmine - Thanks, yo.
berry - Like I said to Me above, you have helped me to feel like a success.
nadia - Normally I wouldn't stand for that out of place commenting, but you seemed genuinely urgent about the need to give props. And if there's one thing I've learned about blogging, it's that the comments don't really have to relate to anything on the particular blog your commenting on.
RaJ said:
Wait...this is fake?! I've been dunced for TWO DAYS? I mean I saw the needle and thought wow, *that* seems out of place...
Okay fine. I have a good excuse. Now please pardon me while I go away to create it. And Nadia - you're welcome. No proxy server yet, eh?
Glo said:
I really have nothing to say, but it's a very dull work day, so thought I'd drop a note.
This post remains a work of brilliance. Why, I would have giggled all through my lunch hour if I'd written it ;)
Syar said:
the things they make for kids these days. maybe in their next publication they'll start up a story about hobo bob (to stop him from suing them and all) and there might be a big center spread or a pop up or something of hobo bob, wearing a thong(camel toe included) with a velcro strapped used needle cut out for kids to strap on hobo bob. sure, bob can finally "get back on his feet" with the royalty money and shit, but what of the kids, I say? WHAT OF THE KIDS??!!
Kind young gentleman said:
Hey guys lay of poor hobo bob its not his fault anyway once u get 2 no him ull love him