Aren't we related?
Last week, Forbes came out with their list of the 400 richest Americans. To have made this year's list, all you would have needed was a net worth exceeding $900 million. I don't know all of your names, but for those I do know, I didn't see you on there...
Maybe it's the finance major in me. I don't want regular wealth, like sports stars and musicians. I want wealth beyond our collective imaginations, like these guys (and gals). Plus, most of them have the added benefit of anonymity.
Would you recognize Larry Page ($11 billion) or Sergey Brin ($11 billion) if you passed them on the street? I know what they look like, but I'd still probably walk right by them, missing my opportunity to kick their butts for having their Google page ranking system rank my site a 3. No, I'm still not over it.
Anyway, as I read through the list, I start to get mad at my parents and grandparents. Sure they're great people, and I think they did a wonderful job raising me. But they're not billionaires. I didn't count, but it seems like three quarters of the list inherited their wealth. Sam Walton died in the early 90's. (If he was still alive, he'd be the richest person in the world - around 50% wealthier than Bill Gates.) His widow, three kids, and daughter-in-law occupy the 6-10 spots on the list. Each is worth more than $15 billion.
In fact, I heard that each time a greeter says "Welcome to WalMart," the Waltons instantly get another $1 million.*
My anger is only enhanced by hunger as I continue to read the list, particularly when I reach Forrest, Jacqueline, and John Mars ($10 billion each). It makes me want a Snickers bar. No, maybe Twix. Or peanut M&M's...
Damn sugar fix. I should stick to eating healthier, like that Jared guy who ate all his meals at Subway (Fred DeLuca, $1.5 billion).
Anyway, back to blogging on my Apple laptop (Steve Jobs, $3.3 billion). I'd blog on my desktop computer (Michael Dell, $18 billion), but then I won't be close enough to the TV to watch the Real World marathon (Sumner Redstone, Viacom, $8.4 billion). Plus, I don't want to use the Dell because I don't like supporting Microsoft (Bill Gates, $51 billion; Paul Allen, $22.5 billion; Steve Ballmer, $14 billion).
Suddenly, I feel like a puppet (I don't think there were any billionaire puppet makers on the list).
---
* No I didn't. I just like to start rumors.
Comments
at said:
You are soo funny. You have a quick wit, I think. I have avoided reading the list... because it just turns me green with envy, and I would rather stay pink.
kelly said:
You got ranked a 3?? Yeah you should definitely remember those faces from Google in case you guys ever encounter each other lol
RaJ said:
"No I'm still not over it" - laughing out loud. Oops. Sorry. No, I didn't laugh about the ranking, I was laughing about how you're still milk-- er. No, that's not it either... well. I think the hole is deep enough now, time to stop digging.
Jon said:
I'm not on the list yet, am I? Was there like, a drawing held or something? How do you legally make over 900 mil in one year? I don't currently enjoy my job right now and I make slightly less than 900 mil a year. I would just like to know what my options are, you know?
cadiz12 said:
i was a little salty i didnt' make it into the googlepagerank rapsong. but now i can be even more salty that my daddy's not a billionaire, either. jon, if you figure it out and become a (b)millionaire playboy, you'd better invite me.
sorry, today i'm stuck in an office in the middle of nowhere and i'm feeling neglected. that's sort of peppering my mood.
Squeaky said:
You've just inspired me to monopolize on the (ever lucrative) puppet-making industry.
Berrygirl said:
Welcome to WalMart- I would just like to keep a fraction of what I have spent there. Then maybe I could make that list too.
jasmine said:
i would def. recognize sergey brin. i think he's HOT!! seriously!
I said:
@ - Given the choices, I can't say I blame you.
kelly - Can you believe it? A three!
RaJ - You 4's, you're such elitists.
jon - I fully expected to see you on there. I went over the list a few times, but no millionaire playboys made it.
cadiz - You're a fellow 3, that's why you didn't get in the song. But I didn't know you were harboring some saltiness! I'll think of something to do to make it up to you. And can I note that I like how you were "salty" and your mood was "peppered"?
squeaky - It's comments like these that make me enjoy blogging. If I can inspire one person, then I consider my hard work to be worth it. Thank you, squeak. And remember me when you're on next year's list.
berry - You just gave the Waltons another million! Cut it out!
jasmine - Is he really hot, or is he $11 billion hot? Because I kind of think he's hot too, but it's definitely $11 billion kind of hot.
seventeen syllables said:
Perhaps there's an untapped market for vole-repellents or lawn manicure sets that might put you on the path to ungodly wealth?
Syar said:
Where's my billionare cousin's uncle thrice removed?? And when is he going to kick the bucket and recognize his long lost niece (aka me) and pour on me exorbitant amounts of wealth?? Quick, Omar. 17 may be on to something, then once you hit the big time you can split your 900mil plus with us (aka me).