The Abridged omarphillips.net Guide to Parenthood
Chapter 1: Introduction
This week, my kid turns 1. In my opinion, this qualifies me to write a guide on parenthood. Seriously, you think Dr. Ruth is getting any right now? Me neither. Yet she publishes book after book.
Chapter 2: Filler Text
I had to add some filler text in here, because really, I can tell you the only thing you need to know in just one sentence. And what kind of a guide would it be if it was just one sentence long? One that would not be very well respected, that's what kind it would be. Why do I keep asking questions and then answering them? I don't even know! It must be my mood.
Chapter 3: The Fine Print
Because this guide is so revolutionary and is expected to be so well respected, your credit card is being charged right now just from you reading this post. The amount charged depends on how long it has taken you to read. Know that it's going to a good cause. And take your time.
Chapter 4: The Answer
The key to retaining your sanity in the first year of parenthood is to understand and accept that you don't know the answer to 95% of the questions that arise.
(If I was on stage delivering this message as a speech, I would have dropped the microphone, thrown my hands up in the air, and then slowly walked off stage. I don't know what the blog equivalent to that is.)
Comments
BerryChick said:
I wish I knew the answers to parenting a toddler... beware Omar- I'd be scared, very scared.
jasmine said:
um...i always know everything. i hate not knowing everything.
yet another reason why i can't have children!
Katie said:
I think you nailed the walking off the stage bit. Definitely got the feel for it. Will there be an unabridged version?
Cheeve said:
Best parenting book I ever done read. Now's that I knows it all, I's gonna get knocked up by that kid on the street corner. Iza bee a good momma to his boys.
Syar said:
where do I pre-book this thing? and can I get it signed? Is a movie gonna be made out of it? CAN a movie be made out of a parenting guide?
put me down for 5 copies. and don't forget me when it comes out on tape. *wink wink*
RaJ said:
When's the condensed version due? You know. For us over-busy, spending way too much time blogging I mean working types.
seventeen syllables said:
Wait...you actually know the answer to 5% of questions about parenting?! How did you get so wise, Omar?! Well, I guess that's why you are writing the book, eh?
Glo said:
Yeah, Baby!!! James rocks! Down with the Bean!
Lia said:
Just wanted to say happy birthday to the child that inspired it all.
It's a wonderful book. More books should be like that. Unpretentious, to the point, and yet, somehow, deep.
Screaming Buffalo said:
I remember being a toddler, wait, no, my mom remembers me being a toddler and won't drop the subject about how I owe her for everything and that I need to be more thankful to her.
Cool book though, maybe I should buy one now and prep up for being a parent. Is there going to be another book for parents on teens? That would be great!!
Sarah said:
Happy Birthday young Master Phillips!
-Love the Internet
cadiz12 said:
nice. i've been taking notes.
happy birthday, pdp!
Former Intern Andy said:
You forgot the part about chains and poles in the basement. My parents swore by those things, and we kids loved them!
Dom said:
I always assumed the answer was 'Aaaargh!' Then they'd run away. Vaguely like that scream painting
I said:
Berry - Don't worry, I'm quite scared. I hear that after the first year, they do a lot more moving around. *shudder*
jasmine - ...I've got nothing. I don't mean to be discouraging! The Unabridged version talks about how to properly pretend to know everything to satisfy your need to know everything.
katie - The Unabridged version of the guide will be published as soon as I get free time. HAHAHAHAHAHHAHhahah. I crack myself up.
cheeve - That's the spirit! Just make sure to remember which guy on the street corner it was.
syar - I'm working out the deal with Amazon as we speak. Movie producers are holding off until they see how the book sells. And of COURSE you can get it signed! All previous commenters get an autographed copy. On the house. Not counting the charges already applied to your credit cards.
RaJ - I think I could condense it down a little bit further, maybe just two chapters. I'll keep you posted.
17 - No no no, I know the answer to 5% of all the questions that arise in the first year, not all the questions about parenting specifically. I was including questions like, "Omar, where did you leave the diaper bag?" in the equation.
glo - It's a heated race!
Lia - Welcome! And on behalf of the kid, thanks for the birthday wishes. This is my kind of book. I'm not much of a book reader, so I write for others like me.
Screaming Buffalo - Welcome to you too! I certainly don't yet have any answers when it comes to parenting teens. From what I understand though, they listen and scream as well as newborns, and they can slam doors.
sarah - Master Phillips. Hah! Thanks.
cadiz - If this information doesn't help at least one person, I would consider myself a failure. And thanks for the bday wishes!
Andy - Sadly, that was one of the last chapters to get cut from the abridged version. I felt it was a little more appropriate for my upcoming guide on parenting toddlers.
Dom - I think that works when they're a little bit older, but under a year, they just look at you funny. I've tried.
Syar said:
happy birthday to The Boy! may cake, toys and other things that amuse one-year olds feature heavily on the special day.
Cheeve said:
You go James! You are so hot baby, you can impregnate me and dump me to the woes of welfare any day!
me said:
This is completely off subject from this post, but I don't know who either of the Baby's Daddy poll guys are.
Did I miss something? I don't live under a rock. Really.
Sarah said:
I think the people that voted for James Spader didn't see the movie "Crash." *shudder*
'ka said:
oh man... i missed it... happy belated birthday to the little man :)
Lianne said:
Wait until he is a teenager. Actually you would only need to change your guide a little.
The key to retaining your sanity in the first year of parenthood is to understand and accept that you know the answer to 99.9% of the questions that arise. The answer is "no."