Class A Misdemeanor
Yesterday, I took the boy to the mall to browse. He enjoys being pushed around in his stroller and getting plenty of things/people to look at, and I enjoy the chance to spend money on stuff (particularly during Tax Free week). It works out well for both of us.
Keep in mind that when I say stroller, I'm not talking about one of those little umbrella strollers that are convenient and small. I'm talking about the GRACO QUATTRO DELUXE TOUR TRAVEL SYSTEM, which, when you consider the name and my use of capital letters, needs no additional description.
So we were rolling through JC Penney looking for some good sales on sweaters. As we wove through some of the tight aisles between shelves, the boy stuck his arm out and grabbed an entire stack of 5 or 6 sweaters. He pulled the sweaters into the stroller with him. When we got out into the open, I went around in front of him and explained to him that daddy would never wear those horrid colors, and I put the sweaters back on the shelf.
Several minutes later, I had my fill of Penney's, so we left. As I pushed the GRACO QUATTRO DELUXE TOUR TRAVEL SYSTEM stroller through the main entrance, the alarms started... well, alarming.
Let me interrupt here to let you in on a secret. I would make a horrible shoplifter. I am the type who, when the alarm goes off, starts putting my hands up and proclaiming my innocence. Doing that makes me feel like I'm acting guilty, so I try even harder to proclaim my innocence.
However, something about these gigantic strollers has been known to cause store alarm systems to go off. While Christmas shopping, it was a pretty regular occurrence for store alarm systems to go off when we were walking into stores. As a result of this, I had kind of stopped paying attention to the alarms when they happen. This time though, a store employee came out after me.
"Sir! Excuse me, sir!"
It was at this point that I began my hands up in the air routine, where I said I don't know what happened and I started emptying my pockets.
Sufficiently convinced that I didn't know what was going on, he said, "I think it's the sweater."
"This sweater?" I asked as I pointed to what I was wearing. "I've been wearing this all day, and it was purchased at Old Navy."
"No sir, that sweater," he said as he pointed towards the GRACO QUATTRO DELUXE TOUR TRAVEL SYSTEM stroller. I peeked around the side of it to find a sweater, half tucked in where the boy was sitting, half dangling over the side. I guess the boy got one that I hadn't seen.
I stammered through my explanation, concluding with "...if you have to take him away in cuffs, I'll understand."
"That won't be necessary, sir. Thanks, have a good day."
We quickly walked away from the store. When we got far enough away, I sat on a bench in front of the stroller. "I never thought I'd have to give you the 'no stealing' talk so soon. But that sweater could have cost you up to one year in prison, plus fines and court costs. Also, it was UGLY."
I don't think he understood the severity. Anyone know if those "Scared Straight" guys do house calls?
Comments
I said:
On another note, I've had a problem with spam comments over the past several days. I tried increasing my spam filter's sensitivity, and in doing so, a handful of legitimate comments got flagged as spam. My bad.
They've all been restored and correctly marked as non-spam.
Carry on.
Glo said:
It was gonna happen. That kid was destined for a life of crime since the vole moved in...can't expose him to that sort of evil without a little thievery sneaking in...
cadiz12 said:
i think if you call Maury Povich he might be able to give you that drill sergeant Duane or whatever his name is 's card.
you really have to do something about that vole.
Katie said:
You have a tax free week?! How did that happen, and how can I join! I blame the Vole as well, not only for the stealing (awful I know) but for the ugly sweater (therein lay the true crime). I say you get a bomb and take out the lawn.
Onj said:
As much as I hate to say it, I think a night in the clink might be exactly what he needs in order to learn good taste. I know it sounds tough, but I feel that no kid really understands what poor fashion sense is until they spend a night with some other inmates.
Nadia said:
I'm just wondering where he got the bad taste from; you and the Wife are the epitome of class, and the vole being Jazz's boyfriend, well, he certainly can't be any sort of slob.
I don't want to point fingers at the obvious, but perhaps this is HoBob's doing?
I said:
glo - Perhaps, though I wouldn't think the vole would prompt him to snatch sweaters...
cadiz - Maury! That's brilliant. I just filled out the online sign-up form, I'm keeping my fingers crossed.
katie - Yes, they do tax free weeks every once in a while to get people to spend money. Only clothing and shoes (under $100/pair) are tax free though, not everything. It's quite the incentive, since sales tax is approximately 75% in my county.
onj - I was initially thinking the same thing, but then I had second-guessed it because of his age. Now that I think about it though, not only would it teach him a lesson, but it would give us a morning to sleep in. Double bonus.
nadia - I hadn't thought of that! It makes perfect sense. Here I was thinking that my boy was stealing for the thrill of it, but he must have been stealing that sweater for Hobo Bob to stay warm! He's a regular Robin Hood. I still might send him for that night in the clink, though.
Nia said:
Is that where you got that itchy number you were talking about some time ago???
Sure blame it on the baby!
mep said:
Awww, did he have a really guilty, yet adorable and innocent, grin on his face? I bet he did.
You could always get him one of those Hamburglar costumes and dress him up in it when you go to the mall. Then everyone will know it was him, not you. Maybe that's who you scare him straight - embarrass him.
Cate said:
Sounds like there was a right regular blogger crime spree over the weekend. How sad that I don't have any nefarious deeds of my own to report.
Screaming Buffalo said:
Well, at least you guys get to pick your sweaters. I have this thick coat on all the time that sheds and gets all itchy. Then, i get sweaty and stinky. (i am a buffalo. Lame? yes.)
Lianne said:
When I'd hit the mall with my oldest she would periodically stick her fingers down her throat when people were admiring her and ralf all over herself.
Shoplifting... wish I'd thought of that.
jasmine said:
have been trying so hard to think of something witty to say here, to no avail.
can't. stop. giggling.
*bowing* the end.
zoe said:
i don't know whether to laugh or cry that my baby is becoming a felon at such an early age. i think the laughter wins outs, cuz i can just picture the boy's glazed look at you as you try to lecture...i'm also positive you missed the smirk on his face once your back was turned. awww...how precious