A couple of days ago, I took the boy on a trip to the grocery store. Now that he's mature enough to not want to tongue the shopping cart handle - the very same handle that has been fondled by the snot and feces covered hands of dozens of previous shoppers- I can sit him in the cart. This is a huge convenience, as we previously had to use a stroller, which either required two adults, or it severely limited the amount we could buy in one trip.

I don't remember if I've mentioned this before, but the only time it's possible for a parent of a toddler to get anything done that doesn't involve yelling "GET AWAY FROM THE STOVE," is to always keep the kid's hands occupied. Even while we're carting through the aisles of the grocery store, I always give the boy something from off the shelves that he can hold on to. It has worked like magic in the past, where he spends the remainder of the trip occupied with figuring out how to fit the container of Nestle Quik in his mouth while I finish shopping.

This particular trip, one item was not enough to keep his attention. He wanted to hold EVERY item I took off the shelf. While this wasn't as fun for me as it was for him, it was still working to keep him calm. I was educated at the "pick your battles" school of parenting. However, we started to go wrong when he began to throw the item he was holding to the ground in anticipation of the next item.

"Please do not throw the box of crackers on the ground," I said in my stern dad voice.

While we maintained eye contact, he obeyed. The second I looked away, the box was on the floor.

"OK, the box goes in the cart. If you're not going to hold onto things I'm giving you, then you don't get to hold onto anything."

As expected, he began to pitch a mini-fit when I did it. There were few enough people in the store for me to be able to ignore it without the concern of someone calling Social Services. Within a minute or so, he stopped. The next item I got from the shelf, he stretched his arms out in anticipation of me giving it to him.

"I'll give this to you to hold, but so help me -- if you drop this on the floor, you're out of my will."

As I said that, a man was walking by my cart. He grinned at me and said to the boy, "It would never hold up in court. If you need a good lawyer, let me know."

I chuckled outwardly, but in my mind, lasers shot out of my eyes and severed his body in two.