Lawn Emergency
Listen closely. Hear that? It's the sound of my neighbors' confidence growing. Why? Because I... Omar Phillips...
I'm sorry, I'm having trouble even typing this out.
I... I practically destroyed my lawn.
Wait! Before I get crushed beneath the weight of your collective disappointment, let me explain. It was a silly mistake caused by me trying to take TOO good care of the lawn. Or rather, series of silly mistakes. Observe the following lawn rules:
1) Under no circumstances should you cut off more than 1/3 of the height of a blade of grass. A blade of grass can only withstand the loss of so much moisture at a time. Any more than that, and the stress tolerance of your lawn decreases significantly.
2) If possible, you should avoid mowing your lawn in the evening. The grass should have sufficient time to dry before nightfall, as moist grass at night promotes lawn fungus.
3) If you're DUMB DUMB DUMB enough to disregard those first two rules, then please, for the love of god, do not do either (or worse, BOTH) of those things on a night where frost is expected.
Tuesday of last week was the only day I had time to mow, so I tried to squeeze it in between the boy's bedtime and nightfall. I committed the lawn care sin of letting my schedule tell me when to mow, instead of letting the lawn tell me when it's time to mow. My lawn went from the greenest on the block to the third yellowest - ahead of only "Yellow Lawn Guy" on the corner and "Dan DeLion" up the street - almost literally overnight. (I should note that though my lawn got yellower than my neighbors', it's still weed-free - UNLIKE theirs.) The daytime temperatures were in the upper 60's, I didn't even think to look for any frost warnings. What kind of climate has frost in late April anyway? A stupid one, that's what kind.
I've since had to seek consultation from "Mike the Scott's Guy" online, and he suggested a supplemental feeding and some more timely mowing. A week later, it's doing better, but it's still not right.
The unfortunate part is, it has taken up way too much of my time. I've had to resort to putting pictures of me up around the house, along with recordings that intermittently say "I love you," "good job!" and "DON'T TOUCH THAT!" If I'm not mistaken, I think I saw my boy call a picture of Tiger Woods "daddy" during one of my brief stints indoors. (While this initially was a bit heartbreaking, upon further review, we might be able to run with that and make a little bit of money.)
As if all that wasn't enough, I discovered this while outside:
Next to this new hole was a brief note saying, "Making your lawn look like crap is not going to prevent me from wanting to mess it up further."
Is it any wonder why I've been having trouble sleeping lately?
Comments
Katie said:
Man, the Tiger Woods comment. Beautiful. It brought tears to my eyes.
And what on earth is a "lawn?"
Seventeen Syllables said:
Oh, man. I am really sorry to hear about your lawn's illness. Can't think of anything funny or cheering to say. Just thinking of you in this time of distress.
cadiz12 said:
see omar? there IS such a thing as caring too much for your lawn.
when i was little i used to think this bollywood actor was my dad and very confused how he could be running around among the trees one minute and then come out of the kitchen with a peanut butter sandwich the next. all because of the mustache.
Becky
said:
tiger is just a poser.
an omar-poser.
wendela said:
These could have been bad developments, but you took good corrective measures. That hole: it may just be a little neighborhood kid doing some digging. Umm, yeah, that's it. And the note could be from the kid! Little vandals....
Radioactive Calvinist said:
This might be a good time to consider these events as predestined and say, "Well. Glad that's over with."
Cate said:
Whoa. That vole is one tricky bastard. I might almost admire the cunning involved in making you believe he was gone for good and then making a reappearance at exactly the wrong time. If he wasn't your arch enemy, that is.
Glo said:
This was very painful to read. I had to leave and get some Diet Coke before continuing. And I don't think I could bear a picture - so thanks for sparing me. My world is tilting a little whirly right now. Better just stop the comment and move on...
elasticwaistbandlady said:
I'm typing one handedly Omar, while my other hand is playing "TAPS" to your lawn on my favorite lime green kazoo.
If it's any consolation, just because you won't win the coveted neighborhood "Yard Of The Month' sign, doesn't mean that you're not a good person. Or a good blogger for that matter.
Viking said:
Wow. I hope someday I can put that much love into my own yard. There is truly nothing quite like a lush, weed-free lawn.
Lianne said:
Is that a vole hole?
X said:
Sorry about your lawn, dude. I may be able to help; my dad's a doctor.
---X
Screaming Buffalo said:
Hello everybody. Long time no see/read/write...whatever.
Omar...what can I say? At least you have a full lawn. Mine, well, let's just say that less than one half of my yardspace is actually grass...from leftover sod...from another person's yard. The rest is just dirt. Not even "pretty dirt". You know, the black or dark brown kind. My dirt lawn is parched, yellow looking, clay infused dirt that is even looked down on by other dirt. My dirt is soooo ugly that my dog doesn't even want to pee in the yard like most dogs do to kill the grass. MY dirt is so bad that worms die in it. No joke, I was digging in my dirt to see if there was better dirt underneath my ugly dirt and I found a colony of dead worms that got stuck in the hard, dry dirt. I would complain more on my dirt, but I need to go see a man about a vole.
jasmine said:
yeah. good thing i live in a city where, not only do i not have enough money to purchase any property to take care of but i ALSO don't have to mow the grass. because there is no grass in the island of manhattan. unless you're at central park or something, but that's government property and besides the point. what was i saying? monkeybutt? i miss the cookies...