Advice to Billy
Back in 1996, I had knee surgery to repair some torn cartilage. It was not a huge deal, though I did experience some complications during the surgery that delayed my recovery. Still, I was off crutches within only a week or so, and was back to some mild activity in a couple of months. I could have remained the chiseled stud that I was prior to the surgery, had I gotten right back into exercising like I did before.
But I didn't. Lethargy set in, and I let myself go. I did a little "Oprah Winfrey" thing, where I'd plump up, slim down, plump up, then slim down again. Except I didn't have a TV show or a billion dollars.
In 1998, I tried to right the ship. I borrowed my cousin's Tae Bo tape. It was all the rage, and I knew that the only way I'd stick with an exercise plan is if I could do it in the comfort of my own room. I'll do your exercise, but only if I can be lazy immediately before AND after! Besides, Tae Bo worked for Emmanuel Lewis.
This post isn't about me and my fatness, though. And it's not even really about Tae Bo. It's about Billy Blanks.
Before I continue, let me make sure that something is clear. In fact, without even knowing what I'm going to say, it's already clear to you. I just want to make sure that you know that I know it's clear. Should I ever find myself in a fight with Billy Blanks, he could end me. He could kill me, chop me up into small pieces with his bare hands, and donate my parts to various medical research centers -- all before you could say, "I heard Billy and Omar were going to fight!"
Besides, Billy helped me to lose something like 17 pounds. Billy's my homeboy. In fact, I'd like to put an open invite out there to you, Billy. If you're ever in my neck of the woods, I'll be offended if you don't stop by. Dinner's on me. In exchange, all I ask is that you don't punch or kick me.
It's because I like Billy so much that I am concerned about him wearing things like this on videos that he sells to millions of people:
Billy, you're awesomer than that. You don't need to wear low cut leotards that half expose your nipples, leg warmers, and unnecessary belts to be a man. Wear a tshirt - a sleeveless tshirt - that says, "I could end you." That's all you need to do.
Comments
Jym Ferrier
said:
She's worth 1.5 billion now according to CNN the other day.
You should wear that getup to work.
Carrot Jello said:
Woah, you shoulda had a rating on this entry. Like rated R or something for that nipple peep.
wendela said:
I love Billy.
By the way, Chuck Norris wouldn't wear that.
cadiz12 said:
i'm pretty sure he can only get away with that kind of lycra BECAUSE he can kick anyone's ass.
that first picture looks like it's his head on some other-colored-person's body. but i'm pretty sure that's the lighting. right?
Syar said:
Now that's what I call haBOOBery. HaMANBOOBery.
Becky said:
oh, wow. that's just unfortunate. surely he was drunk... and "hamanboobery" is totally perfectly hilarious.
note to those with boy bits: lycra is shiny, and shows bit-placement.
Nadia said:
Check out those haters to his left and right. You know they're scoping out the moobs, praying someday that, with enough lycra and Tae-Bo, they too will score a rack like that.
Bethany said:
Happy National Pie Day on Tuesday-- do you have anything planned?
Jon said:
Perhaps the most embarrassing part of this post for me is that, while I know of the Billy and his Tae Bo, I have never seen any of his videos. I guess it’s not really that embarrassing, but the fact that I wear the exact same outfit every other Thursday might be. Some people think it’s not “work appropriate,” but I need people to know that every other Thursday, I’m not playing games, I’m in it to win it. And while I’m constantly reminded that in my industry, there is no “winning it,” I remind them that that’s what losers say.
X said:
The only Billy Blanks video you'll ever need to see: click here and be amazed.
---X
X said:
So, although the link in my last comment was amusing, there was far less Billy Blanks than I promised. I'll try again:
Here.
Wow. Imagine what would have happened if something more... unsavoury had been in my clipboard.
---X
I said:
As I watched the first clip, I didn't have the sound turned on, so I assumed that he was saying something about Billy Blanks while drawing that perfect circle.
As for Billy's head looking darker than his body, it's a combination of the lighting, plus the fact that the image is a photograph of my computer screen. That never turns out looking good.
Bethany - I had no idea such a thing existed! Happy Pie Day to all!
Becky said:
hey, did you know that i have officially been "cool" for one whole year? i thought you'd like to know. since you're the one who determines when people enter into coolness.
jasmine said:
i used to have regular dates with billy. but i'd never get naked with him. he's scary.
Rhonda said:
How else do you expect him to show us his large, chiseled man boobs?
Lia said:
That getup is the ultimate in bad taste. But I don't think any of us are willing to argue with him over it.
Lianne said:
The nipple peek isn't even the scariest. Has anyone looked at the second picture?
Spandex is not his friend. :)
glo said:
Holy Hamanboobery!
I know you respect him because it's taken you this long to comment on the fact that he wore his girlfriend's workout gear in a public venue.
What scares me is that he probably did it just so someone would mess with him and he could end them.
demosthenes said:
I agree with Wendela. Chuck Norris would never wear something like that. He wouldn't have to. On the other hand, he's not very good post material. I'd probably drop dead just for thinking about fighting him.
Rhonda said:
Chuck Norris is a Hamanboob.
elasticwaistbandlady said:
Ummm, judging from those pics he isn't called "Billy The Kid" anymore.