Dear Mr. Dyson:

Several months ago, our old Oreck vacuum started going on the fritz. After much investigation, the wife decided that we should save up to buy one of your vacuum cleaners. She does most of the vacuuming in our house, so I left it up to her to decide which to get. So we saved lots of pennies, used some store credit, sold a kidney, and bought the DC14-All Floors vacuum.

Quick aside - one of the reasons I'm not too keen on vacuuming is because I'm a very results-oriented person. So unless there was a visible mess to vacuum up, vacuuming was one of those things that you're "supposed to do," like showering daily or eating vegetables. Other than the stripes on the carpet and the scent in the air, I could often not tell that a floor had been vacuumed. I've been known to spend some time mowing my grass. Little known fact, I don't LOVE mowing the lawn. I DO love having a nice looking lawn. Mowing is just one of the means to an end. Vacuuming is a mean to no end.

So we bring home our new DC14. As I assembled the parts needing assembly, the wife went over our living room floor with the fritzing Oreck. Then she went over the floor with the new Dyson. I quickly found myself fixated on the dirt collection tank, as I watched more and more dirt and hair and lint and who knows what else accumulate inside. It was amazing. Granted, I have no way to claim that your vacuum did a better job than any other out-of-the-box vacuum would have done, but the primary difference is that yours is see-through. For the first time, routine vacuuming yielded results.

Vacuuming in the Phillips' household became a spectator sport. We wanted to vacuum every surface in our house. We took turns with each new room to be vacuumed, so that one of us could watch the filth in which we apparently lived rapidly rotate around the canister.

Up to this point, you might think that this is a letter of praise. Here's where I let you know that it's not.

The other day, I saw a stray hair on the couch. So I did something I'm not proud of - I got out the vacuum to clean it off. Removing one piece of hair turned into me vacuuming two couches. While this was happening, my young son came down the stairs. He came down the stairs to find his father - his primary male role model - with a couch cushion in one hand, and a telescoping wand in the other.

He didn't say anything to me at the time, but he didn't have to. And since then, he has "accidentally" called me "Mommy" on three separate occasions. I ask you this, Mr. Dyson: how do I recover from this? How can I sit down and teach my kid the rules of football after this? How do I teach him to stand up to bullies?

You crossed a line, Mr. Dyson. You crossed a line that you shouldn't have. Technology and visual appeal have no place in household cleaning appliances. Sure, my house is probably a cleaner place now that we have your vacuum. But is it a better place?

Concerned,
Omar Phillips