Dear Candy Selling Guy:

I'm the guy who buys the Heath bars. Let's be honest, nobody else buys those things, so I think you know exactly who I am. Yesterday, when I came to get my Heath bar, you put a Skor bar on the counter instead. In response to my questioning look, you said that you were out of Heath bars, and that "it's basically the same."

Both bars may be made by Hershey's, and both feature milk chocolate and toffee. But let's be clear on something - Skor is to Heath like Monopoly money is to real money. Like Courtney Love is to Halle Berry. Like C.C. DeVille is to Eddie Van Halen. Like Ryan Leaf is to Peyton Manning. Like my key lime pie is to my pumpkin pie. Like Wal-Mart is to Target. Like Jimmy Kimmel is to Dave Letterman. Like Kia is to Lamborghini. Like "Hole Hearted" is to "More than Words." Like Ivan Drago is to Clubber Lang. Like Liston is to Ali.

I could go on, but I think you get what I'm saying.

Next time, I hope you will have the decency to not insult my sense of taste.

Sincerely,
Omar