For my previous pumpkin pies, I had used frozen pie crusts. There was a time when I would have been too ashamed to admit that, but that time is not now. I'm not even sorry. If I needed a car, I wouldn't mold the tires, would I? Of course not.

But after two years and four successful pumpkin pies, I decided to be brave and avoid my grocer's frozen food section. Before you applaud me, I should note that instead, I hit the grocer's refrigerated food section. So yeah, I wasn't that brave. But it's progress. I even made a charming little pattern around the edges of the crust, as seen in the picture below:

Also, aside from the extra experience, the refrigerated crust had the extra benefit of providing a little bit of "extra" crust. And because I always have a little extra filling left, I made a mini pie to go along with the big pie:

Sadly, as you may have noticed in the second photo, my charming crust pattern disappeared. And as you can see in the finished product below, the boring-looking crust was a tad over-baked. But it was NOT under-tasted! (That one sounded better in my head.)

I thought it tasted great, though I wouldn't call it perfect. I let the boy have part of the mini pie, and he asked for seconds. Considering he doesn't eat anything, this is a big deal. And I'm sure it had nothing to do with the Cool Whip.

Appearance: 3/5
Taste: 4/5
Sub Total: 7/10
Mini-Pie Bonus: 2

Total: 9/10

Posted by omar at 10:16 PM | Read entire post | Comments (9)

Loosen the ol' belt. Skip dinner. Put on your "eating" shirt. You don't have one? GET ONE. Then put it on, and get you favorite eating fork. Seriously? You don't have one of those either?! Amateur!

Today is the official start of Pie Season.

For the omarphillips.net newbies, I like pie. (I actually have a tattoo saying just that, bring it up next time we see each other and I'll show it to you.) Roughly two years ago, I decided that I wanted a pumpkin pie. So I made one. Over the next several months, I made a bunch more. I hung up my... pie plate (?) in mid '06, primarily because I discovered that I suck at making pies.

Or rather, I suck at making most pies. My pecan pie was very good. I'd make it again, except that I'm the only one in my house who would eat it, and I need to eat an entire pecan pie like I need a Pretty Pretty Princess board game for Christmas. And don't even suggest giving it away. You gotz to be crazy if you think I'm going through the effort of making a pie, just to give it all away. And you can't give away half of a pie, can you?

Luckily, my pumpkin pie is usually good also, and the boy will eat it with me. Sure, the boy will eat like 1/8th of it, but that's good enough for my conscience. I'll be making the pie Tuesday evening. I'm mentioning it a day early because I wanted to give you all time to get mentally prepared.

Posted by omar at 9:44 PM | Read entire post | Comments (11)

George Foreman. Michael Jordan. Garth Brooks. Roger Clemens. Junior Seau. Evander Holyfield. Jay Z. Jimmy Connors. And now, Omar Phillips.

The connection? These are all people who have either officially or unofficially retired, then made a comeback.

Back in August, I took a break from the pie making. I'll be honest, I made some pretty nasty pies. That custard pie, for example, it was so bad, it was offensive. Let's say a friendly alien species came to Earth, and was like, "let us try some of your foods." If we gave them some of my custard pie, they'd kill us all. Do you understand what I'm saying? They'd kill every last one of us.

So rather than subjecting the human race to that risk, I decided to hang up my apron. (Figuratively speaking, of course, because a man with my levels of testosterone would only wear an apron at the command of Catherine Zeta Jones. And maybe Halle Berry too, but it would have to be a pretty manly apron.)

But Thanksgiving brings out the pie lover in all of us. I started doing the "Pie of the Month" series around this same time last year. Thanksgiving is to pie as Captain is to Tennille. So I had no choice but to (figuratively) lace up the apron and make a pumpkin pie.

I will go so far as to say it was the best pumpkin pie I've ever made. And if you don't tell my mom, I'll say that it may have even been one of the best I've ever tasted. Last year, the boy tried some, and seemed to enjoy it. This year, after trying a slice, he specifically asked me for it each of the next few meals. He even said please, which is usually only used when he wants scissors or something equally dangerous.

I won't claim that I'm fully out of retirement, just that I had to make a Thanksgiving comeback. Plus, if I haven't mentioned yet, that last pie I made - the custard one - it was painfully horrid. I couldn't retire on that note. But this, this is a laurel I can comfortably rest on.

Posted by omar at 9:45 PM | Read entire post | Comments (14)

Last night, I decided to go back and review my pie making attempts:

I had some of my statisticians take a look at the data. They just got back to me, and they showed me conclusive proof that I suck at pie making.

First off, I only made 8 of the 9 pies. Of those 8, only 3 of the pies were completely eaten (pumpkin, chocolate cream, pecan). The other 5 were discarded before they were finished. Of those 5 pies, I only had one full piece from 3 (shoofly, key lime, cherry). The apple and custard pies were essentially tasted, then tossed.

Using their findings, I created the following chart to show the current state of events:

After evaluating it more closely, I determined that the strategy shown in the following graph would save not only time, but messes like this.

So after conferring with my accountants, statisticians, doctors, lawyers, farmers, assistants, and the dude living under my kid's carseat, I've decided to suspend all pie making until further notice. I apologize for any inconvenience this may cause.

Posted by omar at 6:11 AM | Read entire post | Comments (17)

This month, I made tried to make a custard pie.

That piece in the picture? It's not from my pie. In fact, I don't really think I want to talk about my pie. Nope.

Posted by omar at 5:37 PM | Read entire post | Comments (14)

June was a tough pie of the month month. There was the key lime disaster, then the nightmares, and the good looking but bad tasting shoofly pie. One might think that would get me down, and it would keep me out of the kitchen. One would be wrong.

I forgot to return the Joy of Cooking: All about pies book to the library, and because I have the week off this week, I was doing the grocery shopping. So before I went to the store, I thumbed through the book and decided on a tasty looking pecan pie. I have been hesitant to even try making a pecan pie, primarily because I like pecan pie, and I don't want to badly screw it up. But then I thought, "what would Roland Mesnier do?" Then I was like, "Roland Mesnier wouldn't have disgraced the name of key lime pie the way I did." Then I was right back to square one.

But then when I looked at the ingredients list, I realized that I had all of them except pecans. It doesn't get any easier than that. So I went for it.

The first steps were to preheat the oven, coarsely chop the pecans, then put them in the oven for 6-10 minutes until lightly toasted. I set the timer for 7 minutes. 7 minutes later, I discovered that I had burned all of the coarsely chopped pecans. The next steps involved lightly glazing the crust with egg yolk, then putting it in the oven until hot to the touch. That might be the most ridiculous thing I've ever read. How long does something sit in 375 degrees (F) before it gets hot to the touch? Well, apparently less than 3 minutes. Because that's how long I put it in for, and I damn near burned my hand while determining that it was, in fact, hot to the touch. During that fiasco, I slightly damaged the crust (as seen in the full-pie photo from below).

I did eventually get my act together, and I got the pie in the oven. And while the crust might be a little extra brown, the pie ended up looking pretty good (I think there was too much filling - AGAIN - because when the crust looked properly cooked at 35 minutes, the pie filling was still pretty watery-looking).

Overall, I'd say that this trails only my pumpkin pie in taste (as compared to expected taste), and is as good looking as any of the pies I've previously assembled. If I had any smarts, I'd enclose this pie in an air-tight display case, tour the country with it so that people can see what a good looking pie it is, then retire from pie making all together. This is probably as good as it's going to get, so why continue?

Lucky for you, internet, I ain't got no smarts.

Posted by omar at 8:24 PM | Read entire post | Comments (17)

There have been a lot of sleepless nights at the Phillips' house over the past week. Sure, there's been a lot keeping us busy, and the NHL finals, NBA finals, and Yankee games are keeping us up later than normal. But the main culprit is the key lime pie.

I've been haunted by the immense failure that was the key lime pie. I keep having this dream, where I'm part of an early 1900's comedy group. Essential to all comedy groups of the era was the old pie in the face gag. One of the other guys hits me in the face with a pie, and it's hilarious. Then I pick up my key lime pie and hit him in the face with it. But instead of gravity causing the pie tin to slide off to expose a highly dramatic yet pie-covered surprised face, it stays attached to his face. A few seconds later, he falls down, convulsing. Emergency crews come on scene and try to remove the pie from his face, but they are unable to because the pie is so sticky. Moments later, the guy is dead. Then the dream abruptly ends as I'm being handcuffed and taken away by officers with angry clown faces. See why I wasn't sleeping?

Anyway, I figured that the only way to shake this was to make a new pie. You can't dwell on failures, you have to power through. So I went to the library. Longtime readers with steel-trap memories will recall that I fear libraries. This should be an indication to you about how serious I was. I went to the library and I picked up a book called Joy of Cooking: All About Pies and Tarts. A little pie-making joy is exactly what I needed.

I decided to break the rule I created only days before, to not make a pie that I have never eaten before. I picked "Shoofly Pie," because it seemed simple and looked good. So I fastened the baby gates and went to work.

The wife came in when it was done, looked at it on the counter, and said that it was the "best looking pie (I) have made so far" (the photo doesn't do justice to the tasty look of the crumbly topping). And I know better than to misquote the wife, so you can believe that I'm not exaggerating. It was so nice looking, I didn't want to cut it. The pie sat there in all its glory for a couple of hours, as it cooled to room temperature (as per the instructions). I had considered charging admission to have people come in and look at it, maybe even allowing them to take pictures. Unfortunately, the boy was already in bed, and even a little extra cash isn't worth waking him up.

I'll stop here, and not fully go into how the pie tasted like I was drinking molasses. It was the best looking pie I've made so far. The nightmares have vanished, and generally speaking, all is right again.

Posted by omar at 7:05 AM | Read entire post | Comments (15)

After a brief pie-making hiatus, on a whim, I decided to try to make a key lime pie.

Some comments:

"I don't know how to describe the consistency of it. It's not quite like pudding, but it's not really solid."

"It's... sticky."

"Here, try scooping it out with this spoon."

"I'm not really sure if that's what it's supposed to taste like."

"Maybe it needs more whipped cream."

Final Grade: D-

Posted by omar at 9:57 PM | Read entire post | Comments (17)

Regularly, my wife does things that remind me of why I married her. Yesterday, she did one of those things. Recognizing that I forgot to make a pie in February, she suggested we make two pies in March. And as if introducing the thought of making (and eating) two pies didn't make me love her enough, she suggested making two pies in one day.

She also knows my limitations. She understands that when the box says 10-15 minutes prep time, that means 25-35 minutes in Omar time. So she volunteered to make one of the pies, though it was slightly unconventional in the context of omarphillips.net pies of the month. For dinner, she made baked spaghetti pie. Unfortunately, I don't have much to say about the wife's pie-making experience. While she was making her pie, I was watching some kid who took a nap in the afternoon for the first time in months and as a result had way more energy than he has had at any point after 5pm than he ever has had in his life as he ran around and around and around the house.

What I can talk about is how good it smelled and tasty it was:

Then it came time for my pie. I had purchased supplies to make a cherry pie several weeks ago, but I just hadn't found the time to make it. Last night was the time. I invited the guys from Warrant over and I got to work. Unlike previous pies, I decided to step up, be a man, and make my own pie crust. I understand that some might not associate manhood with making pie crusts. That's your prerogative. But if you're going to question my manhood, just remember that I also like mowing lawns and grilling steaks.

I didn't want to bombard this post with photos, so you'll have to go to my Flickr page to view the crust making adventure. I can pretty well summarize the event by saying there was a big mess, lots of flour, and one hell of a fine looking crust (before it was baked).

When it was all said and done, I think it came out pretty well. I'd give it a B for taste (the crust was perhaps a little thick), and a B- for appearance.

Posted by omar at 6:21 AM | Read entire post | Comments (16)

Yes, I know it's February and the title says January. Your pants don't match your shirt, but I let that go. You owe me the same courtesy.

Following the colossal failure that was my apple pie, I was understandably nervous about my next effort. So I chose something easier: chocolate cream pie.

Prep time for this pie was approximately 2 minutes, so it was a good choice. Very little manual intervention is the key, apparently.

The end result? It looks and tastes great. It makes my taste buds as happy as a teenage boy in Hefner's grotto.

With all respect due to Darryl Dawkins, I don't think it would be out of the question for me to demand that you call me "Chocolate Thunder" from now on.

(Coincidentally, this is my 200th post. To celebrate, everyone reading this post will receive a voucher for a free slice of pie, made fresh by me.)

Posted by omar at 7:40 PM | Read entire post | Comments (18)

Last month, I decided I wanted to start making pies. My first effort, in time for Thanksgiving, was a fantastic pumpkin pie.

This month, I went for my personal favorite: apple pie.

Now let's say on Omar's arbitrary scale of pie making experiences, November's pumpkin pie scored a 9 out of 10. The point off was for the filling spilling out on the side. But that didn't really affect the appearance too much, and it certainly did not affect the taste.

On that same scale, this butterscotch apple pie experience... um, it didn't score quite so well. Here's where I went wrong:

Mistake #1: I stepped foot in the kitchen. After the success of the pumpkin pie, I was on a high. And as the anti-drug videos tell you, when you're high, there's nowhere to go but down. In this case, I probably should have rested on my laurels.

Mistake #2: I bought canned pie filling. The canned filling was bland. Basically flavorless.

Mistake #3: I have trouble following directions when I get cocky. I had never attempted making a pie that had a top crust before. It turns out that it's not as easy as I thought. Just like last time, I didn't make the crust, I bought a frozen one. The part I ignored was where the crust instructions said to take the second crust out of the pan when it is still frozen, and put it on top of the crust with the filling in it. I let it thaw, then tried to put it on. The results were, well, bad. Observe:

Mistake #4: I kept going, and I put it in the oven anyway.

I didn't even make the boy or the wife try it this time. I did try it myself, and though it wasn't really really bad, it was still bad. Even several scoops of Cool-Whip didn't fix it.

So, score one for the pie gods. The good news is that next time, I can always say, "at least it wasn't as bad as the apple pie I made last month..."

Posted by omar at 9:10 AM | Read entire post | Comments (13)

There has been a lot of talk lately about pies. Not just here, on a few other blogs as well. And all this talk of pie made me want to eat some. But in true omarphillips.net fashion, I took it a step further. I made a pie. Then ate it.

Important Note - For those out there in the World Man's Organization (WMO) who are thinking about contacting the authorities to get my WMO man card revoked, please know there were power tools and beer in the kitchen while I was making the pie.

While I'm not lost in the kitchen, I had never made a pie before. After much careful deliberation, I decided to make a pumpkin pie. I found a few recipes, got some advice from friends, then made a trip to the store for supplies. Because it was my first effort at pie, I bought a crust instead of trying to make my own. My name ain't Emeril. It's Omar.

The actual making of the pie was relatively uneventful. There were no mishaps that resulted in me getting flour all over my face or anything like that. This is mainly because no flour was required to make the pie. If flour was necessary, I have no doubt that it would have been all over my face. Anyway, the only thing that didn't go as planned was that there was way more filling than there was crust. I was just blindly pouring the filling into the crust until I realized that it was overflowing. Oops. I had to use a measuring cup to scoop out some of the excess. Lesson learned.

An hour or so later, the pie was complete (dark areas on the crust indicate spots where the filling had spilled over).

So how was it?

My wife had never tried pumpkin pie before, so the bite she took out of one of my slices of pie was her first. As she tasted it, she said, "you like this?" I should note that she was referring to pumpkin pie in general, not specifically my pumpkin pie. She was just surprised I like the taste. My interpretation of her response was that she loved it.

The boy had also never tried pumpkin pie before. I gave him a small bite. His response was typical for his first experience with a food, he spat it right back out. I gave him a minute to evaluate the taste, then tried again. The second time, he chewed it, his eyes opened wide, and said "mmmmmm." I interpreted that to mean that he loved it so much that he wanted dad's pumpkin pie for every meal.

The remainder of the pie was eaten by me, and I thought it was the best pumpkin pie I've ever tasted. Three tasters, three "thumbs up" reviews. The success of this piemaking experience has made me want to try again. I originally was planning a "Pie of the Week" event, but then I thought that might be a little bad for my waistline. Instead, I decided on making a "Pie of the Month." Next up, I'm thinking apple. Maybe pecan.

Oh, and next time, I'll try to get a few more reviewers.

Posted by omar at 11:48 AM | Read entire post | Comments (22)